Jared Shelton

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Grandma: Did you hear that helicopter last night?.

Me: That was the washing machine, but yeah, I guess I heard it.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@jk_rowling Is there any way to apply to be on the creative world building / set design team?.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@SKECHERSUSA why the lazy collar lining detailing?. Kinda wanted these…

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@StephenKing how long do you spend on the last lines of a book?. Like I just finished the Institute and it was great, but the literal last line almost felt like a throw away?.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Was playing twenty questions nd I had Humpty Dumpty in mind nd Donald Trump was guessed.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

I just dreamed in SNL skit…?.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Nelson Atkins tomorrow?.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Anybody KC -> MHK Saturday night?.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

I just realized that last night somebody told me their sister was 28 years old, and I thought “okay, kind of up there” but I am in fact one month away from 27.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@FRAGProShooter can you guys please take a look at my account?. I’ve tried submitting a couple forms but have never received a reply. My account won’t recover, but there’s a profile detected!!.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

What hit most in Dahmer was when that city worker said how long permits take to get. 💀💀

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@bleachersmusic Could I please get two free tickets to tonight’s show, I saw you in KC a few years back nd it was an amazing show. 🍅

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@SarahKSilverman I would LOVE to see you at the Largo tomorrow, but it’s completely sold out. Is there anything you can do to get me in?!?!.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

@SarahKSilverman Bet you won’t see this, but… Could you get me in the Largo show?. Just found out about it, but sold out. I’ll bring you Starbucks.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

I fall asleep 3/4 of the way through every movie I ever watch. 🤦‍♂️

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Time to binge those Oscar noms.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Trying to put five minutes between waking up from a nap nd going for the ice cream.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Mom listening to Happier Than Ever
“Wow, Taylor Swift is so talented.”

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Garlic bread nd ice cream for dessert, iykyk.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

If the seat warmer in my car could burn a layer of skin off my back, I would probably allow it.

[Jared Shelton @jayrodshelton]

Every time I eat cereal, it ends up being the best thing I had that day?.