Johnny Elbow

Comedian, Family Man

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

When my wife complains about my driving, I respond, "Baby, I'm just reminding you what a great driver you are."

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

7YO: We wouldn't be alive if it weren't for mommy.
ME: That's right, but you wouldn't be here without daddy, either.
7YO: But what if we had a different daddy?
ME: Then mommy would need legal counsel.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Children are a blessing. Also, I'm broke.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

This year for Lent, I'm giving up Valentine's Day.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

When my wife travels all week like this, my girls go to school looking like they just came out of a refugee camp.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Over-tired 5YO screaming like a deranged person last night: "You're the worst parents ever!" Ah, the perfect way to cap Father's Day 2016.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

After a "Low T" ad on sports radio:
5YO: Daddy, do u have a problem w/low t?
Me: No, uppercase t's give me more trouble.
5YO: Yeah, me too.

[EverTheBeverly 🇺🇸 @EverTheBeverly]

Aren't kids a hoot? For more super fun & funny dads check out @aaroncomedian @andrewhamer @jbowcomedy & @Tonymation https://t.co/TTq7QeLnUt

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Don't walk a mile in my shoes. Walk a mile barefoot in my house. Bonus pts. if your foot finds every Lego & small part before your eye does.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Kids are so overscheduled--it's sickening. I'd expand on this, but I need to get my 5YO out of her karate gi and over to soccer practice.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Today, an Egyptian court sentenced a toddler to life in prison. Coincidentally, I decided to watch the news with the kids tonight.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Surprising ur gf this V-Day = Easy
Surprising ur wife = Much harder
Surprising ur wife with ur gf = Lifetime movie
(spoiler: the guy dies)

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

I live with 3 females.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day.

I should just go ahead and declare bankruptcy now.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Excited for my little girls -- it's V-Day at school today. Like a good father, I taught them how to say, "I want to see other people."

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

[coaching 5YO on 100th day presentation]
ME: This time, start by intro'ing yourself.
5YO: Dad, they already know my name-it's the 100th day.

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

If you take your kids to the zoo -- but there's not an animal to be found -- does the money you flushed down the toilet still make a sound?

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Sometimes I don't know whether I'm raising children or am part of an elaborate hostage situation. #blinkingtwice #SOS

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

Guess my 3YO wanted to simulate her actual bedtime routine at Rooms to Go Kids. That's why she took off her pants and got in bed. SMH

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

ME: "I want you to think about what you've done."
3YO: "I don't want to think about what you've done."
ME: "Good talk, Clare."

[Johnny Elbow @jbowcomedy]

My CFP prediction -- lots of NYE breakups.
HER: I wanna go dancing!
HIM: I wanna watch the game.
HER: I wanna see other people.
#CFPonNYE