Do you know how fucking embarrassing it is to be a grown man wearing styrofoam moose antlers in public while your team gets 30 balled on national television?
Hello, Moon. It’s great to be back.
Here’s a taste of what the Artemis II astronauts photographed during their flight around the Moon. Check out more photos from the mission: https://t.co/rzM1P0QbOl
Harold got really drunk one night, Ubered home, and snuck into bed beside his wife. He woke up at the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Harold.”
Harold was stunned. “I died? That can’t be right! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
Saint Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is by being reincarnated as a chicken.”
Harold wasn’t thrilled, but he begged Saint Peter to send him to a farm near his house. The next thing he knew, he was covered in feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strutted past. “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Harold the Hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“That’s an egg,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
“Never,” said Harold.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,�� said the rooster. “It’s not a big deal.”
Harold did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another, his joy overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell…
“HAROLD, WAKE UP! YOU SHIT THE BED!”