Espresso and Tequila

I wear sunglasses at night because the sun never sets on being a badass. Just kidding, I drive a mini van.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Sometimes I'm not feeling stressed out, so then I think about that time that I accidentally walked naked through the background of my husband's zoom-based therapy appointment with his doc... and then I've got the feeling back again.

So we all good. Anxiety restored.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

When someone says monogamy isn't natural and you just think about how not murdering people who piss you off feels pretty fucking unnatural too, yet here we are.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Anyone else feel like these new trippy Facebook/Meta ads are just trying to convince kids to do drugs?

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

I'm PROFOUNDLY ashamed of how hot I find Gaston in the live action Beauty and the Beast.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Find yourself a partner who eats your vagina with the passion and fervency that my puppy eats her own vagina.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Unpopular opinion: the more "modern" your sonogram looks, the more it looks like a terrifying alien that I would prefer to never have to meet IRL.

I want some sketchy b&w sonogram shit or I'm low-key scared of your fetus.

Fact.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

I'll be 95 years old, still watching Fern Gully.

Not with my grandkids or nothing, I'll just be in the nursing home like, "What should we watch tonight? Probably the best movie ever. #FernGully again it is!"

And I'll still be singing along to the Hexus songs, too. Trust.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Charlie Brown really is an unfortunate looking kid, isn't he?

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Me: tries to find vegan recipes to support my husband's goals

Also Me: refuses to use the word "vegan" as a search term because I don't want my Pinterest getting cluttered with shit I don't actually want to eat

Also, also me: refuses to accept I'm my own source of frustration

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

I know if my dude stepped out on me I'd have a solid 30-50 people who were super pissed at him, PURELY on my behalf.

How do you think Jasmine Cephas Jones feels knowing that every woman in America is 1000% pissed on her behalf?

Because... absolutely. Fuck him.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Issa Rae in Insecure practicing having arguments in the bathroom mirror is the most relatable thing I've ever seen in my entire life.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

The two main things bonding all the children of AIDS parents is
- hospital foods sucks
and
- fuck Reagan, fuck Reagan forever

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Can we just talk for a second about what an ass ache the Fabletics website is? I don't want to answer 47 questions about my leggings preferences (idk) so that you can suggest a handful, I just want to see all of them so I can buy a few pairs. Is that so much to ask?

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Me: *looks into all of our sizes and accurately orders matching Christmas pajamas for my whole family and dogs*

Me: " I should definitely watch some trashy reality TV and recover from this most productive of days. I earned it." #LHH

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

I don't have a huge amount of knowledge about what it's like to be in a coven, but the knowledge I do have makes me think that 90% of it is frantically texting your gals when one of you realizes that we all forgot the full moon again.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

That moment you realize that part of the reason that you're seeing a therapist is you want to drink less, but their website is such an ass ache that scheduling an appointment with the therapist makes you want to drink more than anything else in your life does right now.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

I think I'm a good mom... but A LOT of the time when I show someone a picture of my kids, it's because I already showed them 43 pictures of my dog and now feel like it'd be awkward if I didn't also mention having a human child as well. So who knows.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

Sometimes I lay awake at night just pissed off that the pleural of mongoose isn't mongeese.

[Espresso and Tequila @jen_boring]

If you have more than one decorative rooster in your kitchen I might like you, but we definitely don't have enough in common to really ever be friends.