Jessica Abbott

all opinions are mine. my employer doesn’t get credit for them; that would be plagiarism.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

I used to wonder why cartoon characters wore the same outfit every day. Now, as someone who wears the same denim jacket over a different t-shirt at least four times a week, I kind of get it.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

my greatest fear is being locked in a building with all of the people I’ve ignored on Hinge

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

A Honda Fit gives off the same vibes as romaine lettuce.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Me: I’m not DEFENDING INCEST! I just think you need to consider the CONTEXT! IT WAS A DREAM! AND IT WAS 1831!!!

Senior: JESSICA! THAT’S! DEFENDING! INCEST!!!!!

(we had this exact conversation about Victor Frankenstein three times today)

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

ISO anything that makes me feel the way Little Women (2019) does

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Deeply uninterested in any conversation that thinks the devil needs an advocate.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Hubba Bubba, tears, and Home Depot paint chips are my only classroom management strategies this week. It’s going well.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Petition for Emily Henry to write a Sapphic romance between a reclusive, stoic writer and her overly-cheery publicist (who only went into the business to help others’ dreams come true bc her mom gave up everything for her to go to college and she “isn’t a dreamer” herself).

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

I really only have dating apps so I can scroll through my own profile and see what a damn delight I am.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

The 5th Percy Jackson book came out when I was in 8th grade — the same year I decided I wanted to be an English teacher.

Today, over 12 years later, I put the 6th book in my classroom library. It’s silly, but it feels lovely and humbling to have a full-circle moment like this.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

“Hey Siri, when does the suffering end?
…
Why is it just giving me Bible verses??”

- one of my seniors at 9:22am

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Me: Gimme an abstract noun

Student: …that one sunflowers painting. Van Gogh?

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

My 40-something coworkers were talking about Steely Dan and I pretended I knew what they were talking about. How do I tell them I was picturing this guy the whole time?

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Whenever I say “I’ll shoot ya an email,” I imagine the email popping into one of these bad boys and being rocketed away from me.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

The “ice cream truck” I’ve been hearing every afternoon is actually an ice cream minivan that plays peppy dua lipa instrumentals.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

As much as I love my abundance of hobbies and the eternity that is August to practice them, I just want to go back to being ridiculed by teenagers as revenge for making them write and learn about verbs. :(

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

I’d sell my liver for a chance to watch Barbie with Greta Gerwig.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

“Can I play the guitar at you?” reminded me of a high school debate tournament when a guy was playing guitar in the quad. The girl with him left, but he kept playing and making eye contact with every girl in the vicinity. But the only ones who went to him were literal pigeons.

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Under his new contract, my superintendent gets paid twice my annual salary JUST FOR TRAVEL EXPENSES. Next year, I’ll be earning about $3k/month for all of my expenses, while he gets over $6k/month for TRAVEL.

WHERE ARE YOU EVEN GOING, STEPHEN?!?

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

@likeawest DO YOU NOT???

[Jessica Abbott @jessabbott22]

Reaching the point of Newberg-ness where I can’t go for a walk without running into at least three people who know me - even if I don’t know them.

I don’t hate it yet, but I am starting to dread my next Fred Meyer run.