Jess

~boujee dark lord~ CIO of Chili’s ® To-Go

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Me waltzing back into the bar the day after bottomless brunch.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

When chefs on cooking shows say “you probably already have all the ingredients in your pantry” and then pull out canned yams and water chestnuts.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Y’all my mom gave up olives stuffed with jalapeños and garlic..for LENT.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

I want to be the level of celebrity where I arrive at a hotel and they already know to have my Funyuns and warm hospital socks waiting for me in my suite.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Hulu commercials have the power to wake the dead.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

@LakeEffectBro It’s not a cry for help

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Sorry for being openly emo but *I’m finee*

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

If you’re not living, laughing and loving are you dying, crying and hating?….Join me!

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Just received an email from my dogs vet office recommending acupuncture for my pets well being. I am under the assumption they mixed up mine and Gwyneth Paltrow’s email addresses.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Apartment complex fire alarms are so triggered. Like sry for opening a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos, calm down. Sry for bbq’ing a whole chicken while smoking a pack of Virginia Slims, literally chill.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Adding to the series of non-contextual texts w/Meemaw.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Thought I wouldn’t gain maternal instincts until I had human children, but I do in fact say “beep beep” when my dog is in my direct walking path😌👩‍👧

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

I wish anything could make me feel the way Matthew McConaughey feels when he’s driving a Lincoln.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Just said “who’s that beautiful girl in the mirror??” loudly to my dog, as I heard my new neighbor, whom does not know I have a dog, passing my door.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

EBITDA actually stands for Everyone Broke I Tired Die Alone. I was a business minor.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Stakeholder?? I barely know her! - me in meetings, to no one’s pleasure

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Airport bathroom toilets flush before you even think about entering the stall smh.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

And now, without further ado, I will cry about my job.

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

Just curious, what person sandwiched dirt and ants between two pieces of plexiglass and thought “this will sell”?

[Jess @jesshamrock7]

“Any walk-ons, call-outs, suggestions, questions or comments before we convene?” - my tombstone