💌 jess

• a salon owner & a podcaster walk into a bar & order a vodka redbull • (it’s me)

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

My brother is out of town at a bar we like and he’s drunkenly texting me how much he misses me lol middle school me would’ve never believed this 😂

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

having PMDD is legitimately one of the worst things that has ever happened to me.

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

I am so in love with my man it makes me sick

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

this is me lmao

[‏ً @omgsidewalks]

I just met someone who's parents were both an "only child" so she has zero aunts, uncles, cousins nothing 😭😭😭

[shato @meishato]

Maybe if we put the Epstein files out in Spanish then MAGA will be upset about them?

[Alex Cole @acnewsitics]

Fun Fact: One of these men has 3 baby mamas, cheated on every wife he’s had, was impeached twice, is a 34-count convicted felon, was found liable for sexual abuse, ran a fraudulent charity & university & was exposed in the Epstein files.

The other man is President Obama.

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

Maddie and I signed papers for our salon a year ago this month. Time absolutely flew. Best year of my life for real 🩵

[BIG BEAN @Gail_BeAN]

Brush your teeth.
Floss.
Mouthwash.
Brush your tongue.
Brush your lips.
Use peroxide.
Use effective toothpaste.
Brush multiple times a day.
THE END.

[planet clarke 🌱 @planetclarke]

saw a TikTok that said “your husband is the only legitimate family you get to choose and you’d pick a fucking loser???”

my sentiments exactly

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

@binxygirll 💀

[Lulu Cheng Meservey @lulumeservey]

Upstairs apartment culture

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

I told my client yesterday that I’m sure God shakes His head at me and is so annoyed and she goes, “He knew exactly what He was doing when He made you. You probably make Him laugh.” Girl… yeah you right let me change my perspective really quick 😂

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

@binxygirll If I must 😏

[Viral Toes @britneychanel0x]

I be like "I needed that laugh" and it be something I said

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

😔 my heart hurts

[ABC30 Fresno @ABC30]

A woman in her 20s has died after crashing into a power pole in Madera County Tuesday morning. https://t.co/m80UvmWRAq

[Josh Sorbe @joshsorbe]

This messy Trump-Musk breakup is truly the gayest thing about pride month

[💌 jess @jessxschmidt]

I hear something new every single day STILL. Lmfao