JZ

Boobs are real, smile is fake

[JZ @jesszyyy]

TPain singing Tennessee Whiskey is single handedly getting me through the week.

[JZ @jesszyyy]

At the Apple Store for tech support and a genius just came up to me and said “Are you Ron?”

Are you…Sirius rn? Do I look like a Ron??

[JZ @jesszyyy]

If anyone is wondering my size for holiday shopping it’s Pinot Grigio in Spade & Sparrows bc a girl cannot find a bottle in all of Toronto @kaitlynbristowe

[JZ @jesszyyy]

When you are mean to me, I will tell on you to my boyfriend; so prepare for the wrath of a hufflepuff that spills on all of his white clothes and has a special place in his heart for kittens.

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Nudes are so played out. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb.

[JZ @jesszyyy]

I’m the type of person that says “it is what it is” and then scream cries into her pillow

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Is golf season over yet? I stg if I have to watch one more boomerang of a damn golf swing…

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Karma is being unusually cruel this month…

Male: let’s go on a date
Me: okay what’s the plans?
Male: rollerblading or shooting my BB gun

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Whenever @HarlanCoben releases a new book or Netflix special, I turn into a 1940s paperboy yelling “extra extra, read all about it” to anyone in a 30mile radius 📰

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Swifties coming through with a damn SPREADSHEET

[el | from the river to the sea 🇵🇸 @ckentelmann]

@taylorswift13 RED VAULT CROSSWORD_FINAL_FINAL_LASTNATALAGA

[JZ @jesszyyy]

How have the Master Chef judges never found a hair in a dish? I swear my hair is always in my food

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Don’t self tan right before you work out unless you want people to think you have jaundice

[JZ @jesszyyy]

@caseyshaps92 My heart can’t take that. Tampa in 7.

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Golf; why?

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Just remembering how one time a guy asked me what I had for breakfast. I told him a banana and he replied with ✨“I would never consume that much glucose.”✨

[JZ @jesszyyy]

@blairhumphry @JuuAbballe

[JZ @jesszyyy]

She’s not a witch, she’s just an eccentric Gemini.

[JZ @jesszyyy]

If this is where the monarchy is headed count me out. - Zazu

[JZ @jesszyyy]

Today I went to the nail salon and I shit you not two older women asked the nail tech to take their temperature on their wrists instead of their forehead because they didn’t want the LASER to penetrate their brains.

[JZ @jesszyyy]

@ohsurem Use it in a sentence