Toenails

all my tweets are in the public domain

[Toenails @joetoenails]

I'm 32 years old and I still don't understand glaciers

[garvy @garvvee]

Bottom goes to the proctologist. Says his ass aches. Says it feels all alone and unsatisfied. Proctologist says: “Treatment is simple. Great top pegliacci is in town tonight. Go and see her. That should pick you up.” Bottom bursts into tears. Says: “Butt doctor!”

[6ɪx✦ @ok6ixx]

So my dad has been ending every phone call with "stay dangerous" instead of "goodbye" for like six months now. We all thought he was just being a weird dad. Turns out he's been mishearing the ending of a podcast he listens to. The host says "stay curious" but my dad is slightly deaf in one ear. He's been going around telling his coworkers, my grandmother, and apparently his DOCTOR to "stay dangerous" this entire time. My mom only found out because his doctor called to check if everything was okay at home. My dad has now decided he likes his version better and refuses to stop. Yesterday he told a nun to stay dangerous.

[RJ @MKENewYorker]

As a kid my most illogical fear during thunderstorms was that lightning would strike the ground, travel through the city water lines, go through the pipes in my house to the toilet, and then up my pee stream where it would blow my dick off

[Toenails @joetoenails]

Get me to gods country

[Toenails @joetoenails]

@pagan_hoetry met a lady at an oyster festival who called the big Os “GAGGAHS” in the most Boston accent ever, she didn’t flinch putting em back

[matt @mattybtweets69]

There’s a disease going so viral that you can catch it just by looking at someone with it. It’s called, a smile :)

[A @seattleiminyou]

Still thinking about the 60 year old dude I saw riding front row on a rollercoaster who wouldn’t stop yelling “let’s get our freak on” “let’s get freaky deaky” and 10 college dudes in the back screaming “yeah!”

[The Stranger @AbundantGoyim69]

Nice ride man

[Toenails @joetoenails]

the good thing about not having tsa precheck is all the extra times you get to make prolonged eye contact with the people passing you in line

[hayden palantir @heaven_toniight]

stops me in my tracks every time and reminds me time is finite.. its beautiful

[Sozix @Soz1x]

يا حجي بنطلونك وقع

[cheyenne🆗️ @evilvillain1231]

𝘏𝘰𝘸 𝘛𝘰 𝘈𝘤𝘤𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘦𝘣𝘢𝘳 𝘙𝘰𝘥 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘒𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘐𝘯 16 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴

It's inevitable that you will be impaled by a rod of rebar on May 27th, 2042, killing you within minutes. Here's how you can face,
and even embrace, that moment with dignity

[Toenails @joetoenails]

@_JiggityJohnson should I start watching the dinosaur show

[Toenails @joetoenails]

new landlord tech just dropped - leaf blower x rope from above style

[Peter Pref @PrefEquityPeter]

Me after 9 overpriced Guinness at the local Irish pub

[grace ゜✧*̣̩☽⋆゜ @arbyshatepage]

would you rather be named rectangle or tugboat

[sergi @sergiart5_]

swag dog
oil on canvas panel

[Anne Chovy @AnneChovy2]

googleing "mustard healing properties"