Johnette Swan

Recovering pessimist and the pickiest food enthusiast you will ever meet.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

Laneway Festival - Auckland: Register for Presale & WIN the Ultimate Laneway x Afterpay VIP Experience!: https://t.co/sk4saxEJmZ

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

Forgot I had Twitter lol.

Hello Tweeters! How ya been?

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

At the gym and I saw a tv ad about fixing car rims and the tag line was "Get your butt down here for all your rim jobs!" I proceeded to lose my shit so hard I had to leave the gym.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

That moment when you realize the trash goes out more than you do.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

(2/2) Instead, focus on how to bring more awareness to addiction and mental health issues and have some goddamn humanity.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

(1/2) While it is truly sad and heartbreaking to lose yet another person to addiction, anyone blaming Ariana Grande for Mac Miller's death should be ashamed of themselves. This is not the narrative we should be putting our time and effort in (cause it's completely inaccurate).

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

@czerwinskier girl, slay 👏

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

"Having Roommates" Problem #132: the washing machine is always full.

Every. Single. Time.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

*actual bit heard on the radio today*

Radio Host: "Ok caller, name this song to win tickets to (big band's name) exclusive show."

*plays band's first big hit and most recognized song to date*

*caller names song*

Radio Host: "WOW. Clearly, you are a massive fan."

[Stephen Colbert @StephenAtHome]

One thing I know for sure: no one on the right side of history has ever had to nitpick what the definition of “cage” is.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

I love when I click on a link on Facebook and it tells me it will have to use data to get to the page... The fuck you think I been using til this point? Unicorn tears?

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

It's a good thing there's never roadworks people around the actual roadworks signs when I drive between home and work cause I can tell you right now, not a single person drives the speed limit.

Above it? Sure.

Below it? Sometimes.

But never actually 50kms.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

Actual photo of me and my dad.

Happy Father's Day to the man who hates social media (except Twitter apparently) 💕 @SwannyR2015

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

@bobatl @SamanthaOnTheFM @SamanthaOnTheFM the debate continues...

[Robert Buckley @robertbuckley]

@davidleavitt The bar for social media etiquette is so painfully low and yet you somehow found a way to slide beneath it. Be better than this.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

I don't know what the word for "not fully hearing what someone said so you just respond with a lighthearted chuckle" is in the dictionary. But whatever it is has a picture of this kiddo immediately after it.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

I mean, get it together @DropboxSupport. Your shit's more locked down than the CRA. Even they're reasonable enough to ask some identity confirmation questions and let me in when I'm stuck.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

Let it be known that if you ever forget your @Dropbox password AND the two-step verification code (that apparently you have to tattoo on your body so you can't lose it), you will NEVER get your original account back.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

@jawnjang I'll forgive you this time, Jang.

[Johnette Swan @johnetteswan]

MAJOR Pet Peeve: People who can't own up to their mistakes. Like homie, everyone fucks up now and then. No one's gonna crucify you, but we do know IT WAS YOU. Apologize, learn from it and move on.