John Behrends

Just a guy living in Normal, IL

[John Behrends @johnnyb_cubbie]

@ChipotleTweets Visited the bloomington il location today. Line was long, but we were willing to wait. After we were in line for a while, an employee came out said they were out of cheese, corn salsa, and pico. So we left. You run great specials, but are never prepared for the turnout.

[Dan Pfeiffer @danpfeiffer]

Barack Obama reached a deal that prevented Iran from getting a nuclear weapon.

Trump ripped up that deal.

Now we are at war with Iran to prevent it from getting a nuclear weapon.

[Tom Fornelli @TomFornelli]

The reviews are in and everybody wishes the Bears were playing in this game.

[Jamie Bonkiewicz @JamieBonkiewicz]

MAGA 2021: “You can’t tell me to wear a mask.” “You can’t force a vaccine.” “You can’t make me stay home.”

MAGA 2026: “Just follow orders.” “Have your papers ready.” “Comply and nothing bad happens.”

[Neil Stone @DrNeilStone]

Marco Polio

[Erica York @ericadyork]

Tell me more about the national emergency that required a 39% tariff on Switzerland up until this weekend.

[Justin Wolfers @JustinWolfers]

Wait until he hears that Reagan didn't trust the Russians.

[Justin Wolfers @JustinWolfers]

It just got 10% dumber.

Not a joke: Trump just imposed an additional 10 percent tariff on Canada because he still doesn't understand that Reagan was a vehement free trader.

[Chuck Todd @chucktodd]

I don’t think folks realize how surreal this is. The fact that the Texas governor refuses to respect another state’s right should alarm Texans. Imagine the outcry from Abbott himself if it was Texas on the receiving end of unwanted National Guard from Illinois?

[John Behrends @johnnyb_cubbie]

Did someone already wake Billie Joe up?

[John Behrends @johnnyb_cubbie]

CUBS.

[OBVIOUS SHIRTS® @obvious_shirts]

It’s the last Friday 1:20 game of the regular season at Wrigley so let’s have some fun with it.

QUOTE TWEET “CUBS.” TO ENTER!

• Giving away a free shirt for every Cubs hit
• Giving away a free autograph for every Cubs run
• Giving away a $50 gift card for every Cubs stolen base
• Giving away a free hoodie + autograph for every Cubs HR
• Giving away a $250 gift card to one lucky fan if the Cubs win.

Thank you everyone for being apart of this community and supporting us through the year. Cub fans are the best fans and I sincerely love you all.

[Aaron Parnas @AaronParnas]

Are you kidding me right now.

[John Behrends @johnnyb_cubbie]

Leader for free speech. Throw some in jail for speaking in a restaurant. I never want to hear republicans are for free speech. They are for right wing speech only.

[Acyn @Acyn]

Trump: They started to scream when I got into a restaurant, something with Palestine. I said I'm doing a great job for peace in the Middle East, I should get lots of awards with that. 

She was a paid agitator. I've asked Pam to look into that in terms of bringing Rico cases because they should be put in jail. What they are doing to this country is really subversive.

[Governor Newsom Press Office @GovPressOffice]

BIG MISTAKE BY DOZY DON!!!!! SPACE COMMAND BELONGS IN SAN FRANCISCO, NOT ALABAMA (A TOTAL DISASTER OF A STATE). EVERYONE KNOWS SAN FRANCISCO IS THE FUTURE HOME OF "STAR FLEET ACADEMY" ("LIVE LONG AND PROSPER"). THAT’S BECAUSE CALIFORNIA IS #1 FOR AEROSPACE, #1 FOR TECHNOLOGY, #1 FOR AI (ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE, VERY SMART PEOPLE, MUCH SMARTER THAN JD “JUST DANCE” VANCE, WHO HAS LOW IQ). SAN FRANCISCO IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD FOR ENGINEERING AND INNOVATION... ROCKETS, SOFTWARE, "THE STARTUPS.” ALABAMA’S GOVERNOR “KRAZY” KAY HAS NO IDEA WHAT IS GOING ON. JUST LIKE LITTLE HANDS, SHE IS SLOW AND BURPS A LOT. SHE HAS DONE NOTHING FOR HER PEOPLE AND MADE THE STATE VERY UNSAFE!!! A MURDER RATE 190% HIGHER THAN CALIFORNIA’S. "SPACE COMMAND" MUST BE HERE IN CALIFORNIA, THE GREATEST STATE IN AMERICA, WITH ME, THE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL GOVERNOR GAVIN C. NEWSOM. THE SLEEPY GOLFER IN THE WHITE HOUSE DIDN’T MOVE IT HERE. HE HAS NEWSOM DERANGEMENT SYNDROME (NDS). SAD!!! — GCN

[John Behrends @johnnyb_cubbie]

I have said it before and I will say it again. This is thr best account to follow on all of the internet.

[Governor Newsom Press Office @GovPressOffice]

After nationalizing Intel, Comrade Trump (America's leading SOCIALIST!) unveils new statue! ALL HAIL COMRADE TRUMP!

[John Behrends @johnnyb_cubbie]

This may be the best thing on the internet right now. Hilarious follow.

[Governor Newsom Press Office @GovPressOffice]

FOX (“EDITS THE TAPES”) NEWS MUST CANCEL THEIR WEEKEND STINKERS IMMEDIATELY!!! THEY ARE VERY DISHONEST AND ALL THEY DO IS TRASH ME, GAVIN C. NEWSOM, AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR (AND MANY SAY THE MOST HANDSOME IN HISTORY, THANK YOU!). LARA TRUMP’S “SHOW” IS A TOTAL DISASTER. NO PERSONALITY, NO TALENT, VERY LOW ENERGY. SHE DESPERATELY NEEDS "COACHING" FROM CRAZY FATHER-IN-LAW!!! ALSO, WHY DID FOX LET MARK “NOBODY” LEVIN (I HAD TO GOOGLE HIM) TRASH ME???? HE SAID I AM TOO POPULAR ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND HE HATES THAT THE PEOPLE LOVE ME AND HOW I MAKE TRUMP LOOK LIKE THE WEAK LITTLE (HANDS) MAN HE IS! MARK SHOULD TAKE “NOTES” FROM JESSE WATTERS WHO KEEPS CALLING ME “DADDY” EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM NO THANK YOU!!! CANCEL THE “FOX NEWS STINKERS” NOW! THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO STINK UP OUR AIRWAVES ANY LONGER! AND PLEASE NO MORE NEGATIVE ADS ABOUT ME! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER! — GCN

[South Park @SouthPark]

Wait, so we ARE relevant?
#eatabagofdicks

[Garry Kasparov @Kasparov63]

Lost elections are rigged, won elections are fair. Good job numbers are real, bad ones are fake. Sex trafficking is bad, unless the traffickers will blame your enemies. Crime is bad, unless the criminals are pro-Trump. This isn’t 4D chess, or even tic-tac-toe, just Autocracy 101.

[Ron Filipkowski @RonFilipkowski]

Erasing history. Another characteristic of autocrats and dictators.

[The Maverick of Wall Street @TheMaverickWS]

BREAKING: Scott Bessent announces trade deal with the Epstein Island