timmypeepeefingers

Kinda crazy non of my followers have retweeted me yet... just crazy

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Sneezing while taking a dump is the male version of “deciding you need a good cry”for no reason. Just a spiritual full body release. #letitalloutfellas!

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

It would be so easy to be the most well liked soccer player in the world. Put someone in there with a Sean Thornton mentality. Enforcer, no flopping, not a pussy, just ruthlessly apologetic for having a spine… Draymond Green (@Money23Green) of soccer. Easy fan favorite lock.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Big tuna is a fucking bed bug.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

The fellas know you can’t keep a big girl around. Hoss gets angry and throws, you are FUCKED. You can’t defend yourself and even if you could, she would still give you a run for your money. Hospital inbound either way. #biggirlcautionpost #unfairadvantge #chonkhoesbetrippingtoo

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

I don’t have any problem with people transitioning from female to male. However I DO have a problem if you get surgery and you get a perfect dick. You want a dick, fine, but no special treatment. Equality for all. Lottery system. Odds are, you get shitty dick like the rest of us!

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

How do blind people know when to stop wiping? Do they have heightened asshole feeling and just know when it’s clean, or are they smelling that TP to check if there some stank on it?

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Had chipotle for lunch. Massive burrito. I’m going to be fucking useless this afternoon at work.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Went into my ear with my left pinky finger to dig out some earwax. Disposed of said wax. Gave a smell out of curiosity. It did not just stink, it smelled actually like poop. For the record, ass scratching finger is my right index, so that’s not it. I am just so fucking confused.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

My buddy is dating the slightly uglier one of a cute set of twins. I am going on the record now, I do not care how attractive the uglier one is, I would rather die than be the guy that dates the ugly one. You’re by default Kirkland brand of the hot one’s bf #betacucksgetcucked

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Bro Timmy Peterson is so white… shit really pisses me off sometimes.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Why do lesbians always clip their keys to their belt loop with a carabiner? Like no on wants to steal your orange Subaru Outback and it doesn’t make anyone think your a rock climber ya frumpy dyke.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

I have been finding WAY too much belly button lint lately and I’m just concerned. Often times lint a different color than the shirt I’m wearing. I’m not sure who to even tell about this. My doctor? My mom? School nurse? Someone help me. #whyisthelintgreenifmyshirtsred?

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

I cannot stress enough that no matter how badly you want to take up your sweet little Indian co-worker on his leftover chicken and rice, you will regret it. I have been sitting on my john for 1.5hr+, asshole sounding like I just opened the hatch a the pressure cooker from hell.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Once again, I want to tell Sameed to suck a dick. Thank you for bearing with us and Sameed cowardly inability to confront his true desires. #suckitgayboy #kindagayerthatyoudont justadmititnoonecaresitschill #bumplinksandmediocredickformyboy

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Just got laid, first time in some months. Wearing the sex stank on me in the Uber. Uber driver has the chivalry to let me know that he knows it’s. Clearly a big day for me, and says nothing and airs it out in the highway dispute the noise. #wussupiswussup #realrecognizereal

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

In an Uber and this guy just has More Than a Feeling Blasting on repeat, putting on an absolute show with the steering wheel finger drums. #dudesrule

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Nothing better than watching as your co-worker slowly but surely breaks and absolutely loses their shit on someone else. I’m not a bad person, but boy will I root for that 100 times out of 100. #looseyourshitanuj #lemmehearhowtheycantwritepythonforshit

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

White people are strict AF.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

@meed42_ Na not you. The other sameed.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Hey Sameed suck a dick.

[timmypeepeefingers @johnnymudbutt]

Hey Ms. Harris (@KamalaHarris), do that thang be fartin?! Can’t tell in these goddamn pants suits #ifitdontbefartin’thenms.obamaforpresident #presidentialcheekscanclaptoo #bigmichegothatshelfonher #respectfully