Jonathan Malm

Author of -The Come Back Culture- and -The Volunteer Effect-. Creator of and

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

What do celebrities do when the person they have beef releases a really great song? Like is Kanye out there somewhere singing “it’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me?”

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Kraft Singles implies the existence of Kraft Spouses.

What are you hiding from us, @KraftSingles?!

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

News commercial: Might be some crazy weather changes this week. Stay tuned at 10.
Me: *checks weather app*

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Do-angle or do-not-angle. There is no triangle.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

I might be missing something, but has anyone looked into using the Mandela Effect on COVID-19?

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

How do Australians tell the difference between the country Norway and when something surprising happens?

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

I’m kind of convinced lobster is just an excuse to eat butter for most people.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

The CDC says you need to quarantine for five days or just have Michael Todd hock a loogie in your eye.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Pandemic movies in 2019: Scientist explaining epidemiology to the protagonist.

Pandemic movies in 2022: A mom with a Facebook tab open...

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Laundry day is Tuesday. So Wednesday is my day of confidence.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

I pronounce my gifs like I pronounce my gins.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Killed a few spiders that were crawling close to my baby. 💪
In other news: I’m no longer welcome in the arachnid exhibit at the zoo.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Dream jobs go to dream employees.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Dreamt I was paying for my meal at a restaurant when I woke up. Was actually afraid to leave the bed because I needed to get my credit card back.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Watched Dune on my iPhone. Feel like they could have made it feel more epic…

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

I don’t care what kind of candy it is, pink is always the best flavor.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

That last piece of floss on the roll that you try to make work even though it’s too small.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

The number I want to see more than how many followers a celebrity has: how many people they’ve blocked.

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

At what age are you supposed to buy a shoehorn?

[Jonathan Malm @jonathanmalm]

Nobody:
Moms: What gif should I use to cover my baby’s junk in this bath video?