Jon Dietrich

People assume my porn name would be Thor, but it's not. It's Lance.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

The Venn diagram between people who drive under the speed limit and people who would be eaten first after a remote plane crash is a circle.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Deshaun Watson only suspended six games in a classic case of He Said, She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said She Said +2.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Feeling nostalgic today for back when the Supreme Court was reliably our least embarrassing branch of government.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

New Marvel movie came out this weekend.

Already can’t tell if I’ve seen it yet.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Pushing to overturn Roe vs. Wade is cheaply acquired morality for people who can’t earn it elsewhere and foresee no personal cost.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

This *gestures at 2017-present* all started when we decided it was okay to say we’d “action” something.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

There’s clearly a lot of money to be made as a phishing proofreader.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Someone just posted about an injured Blue Jay on NextDoor.

Looking forward to finding out whether the bird had it coming in the comments.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

For everyone’s sake, we might want to divide now into People Who Consider the Heat a Topic and those who do not.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

A lot of this isn’t worth double authenticating for.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Buick: Have him say that’s his “Buick” instead of “car.”

Agency: People don’t talk like that.

Buick: Buick owners do.

Agency:

Buick:

Agency: We think we’ve identified the problem.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

I aim for the side of the bowl when my wife is on Teams calls, so don’t talk to me about “professionalism.”

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

My wife says she has a work story to tell me later like it’s not even baseball season.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Damn it.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

As long as Rush Limbaugh is alive, we have at least one thing to look forward to.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

If this whole Teams call era has taught us anything, it’s this: You can't look smart with more than three fingers touching your face.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

I guess we really did get tired of all the winning.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

I want all the time back I spent learning about the importance of checks and balances among the three branches of government.

Joke’s on you, Mr. Bastuscheck.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

I have a black short-sleeved button down shirt.

It makes me feel like a math teacher—but a math teacher who plays by his own rules and maybe introduces the Pythagorean theorem before the kids are ready.

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

Turns out what I’m really paying for at the barber is the professionalism not to say “Oops” or “Uh-oh.”

[Jon Dietrich @jonwd1]

We’re all so numb to the gaslighting and manipulation now that even obviously refutable claims go unchallenged.

Let’s never lose sight of just how many places easily out-pizza the Hut.