jorie

The Gospel of Shaun: a Collection of Divinely Inspired Testaments

[jorie @jorie__]

shaun informed me that he’s gonna be a “sexy bee” for halloween

[klara @bystarligh]

a retard in motion is always better than a genius at rest

[jorie @jorie__]

“I’m not gonna be old and shriveled, I’m gonna be old and rotund. there won’t be a single wrinkle on me because i’ll be so stretched out like a balloon”

[jorie @jorie__]

shaun talking in his sleep this morning: “i don’t like this bar… there are cats here 😔😔 i don’t like this dream… NEW DREAM!!!”

[jorie @jorie__]

shaun trying to comfort me over a negative pregnancy test:

shaun- maybe it’s secretly positive

me-

shaun- i test negative for things i’m positive for all the time

me- like what??

shaun- AIDS….

[terbik @slopbik]

everyone's suicidal until they ride passenger in my car and then suddenly they care about their mortality

[jorie @jorie__]

amazon should let u send messages to ppl who leave reviews… like i need to know what size u got!!!!

[jorie @jorie__]

@chickenmothroth wait…. genius!! #womeninSTEM 😍😍😍😍

[jorie @jorie__]

we’ve discovered my sister’s 4 day old baby’s favorite lullaby is “I Don’t Dance” from High School Musical 2

[jorie @jorie__]

same but it’s my husband

[neature vs norture @chionogirl]

1 year old is so helpful unloading the silverware from the dishwasher and putting them in random drawers and cabinets around the kitchen

[jorie @jorie__]

a career in property management will expose u to horrors beyond your wildest imagination

[public emmany #1 🦬 @theemmacasey]

A regular at my Starbucks wanted me to buy his house so my husband and I went to look at it & he took us to the basement & there was dog poop everywhere. He just let the dog go downstairs to poop and never did anything about it. It was 10 years ago and I still havent processed it

[jorie @jorie__]

i gotta say…. my wedding dress having pockets was the best thing to ever happen to me…

[Megha @megha_lilly]

I want us all to stop pretending we care about pockets on dresses. "Look at me I'm practical, I don't care about being pretty!" It's okay to admit that you primarily care about a dress making you pretty. You're safe now. You don't have to do this little performance for the feminists.

[jorie @jorie__]

“i’m sorry i was a butt yesterday. you should just tell me to butt out. you should put me in a special ashtray and say ‘butt out’”

[jorie @jorie__]

@hiroadanya LITERALLY?? like

[jorie @jorie__]

shaun thought the lyrics in Choosing Texas went “he went stamping around the room” and thought it was about seeing a guy storming around, on the phone with his girlfriend (who was from texas)

[jorie @jorie__]

“whenever i reach a crossroads, im just gonna ask myself… What Would Edward Cullen Do..?”

[jorie @jorie__]

“if i throw a dog a bone, i don’t wanna know what it tastes like. you know what i mean?????”

[jorie @jorie__]

“don’t be jealous of my virginity… my virginity doesn’t make me better than you…”