josh abe

an acquired taste

[josh abe @joshabe]

our father who art in heaven
cacio be thy pepe

[josh abe @joshabe]

honestly it makes sense now why Nellie in the Office didn’t know what a taco was.

[Andy @aannnnddyyyy]

Pico de choose your own adventure

[josh abe @joshabe]

are you bisexual or do you just use a propane tank as a water bottle

[josh abe @joshabe]

how old am i? i’m old enough to remember when you could make it so when your friend called your razr phone it would play ocean avenue

[josh abe @joshabe]

it’s so cute to see a couple of best friends dressed in their little matching outfits or sports jerseys or whatever they call them.

[josh abe @joshabe]

the cacio in me honors the pepe in you.

[josh abe @joshabe]

he’s a 10 but he just wants four walls and adobe slats for my girls.

[josh abe @joshabe]

people who like james corden and jimmy fallon also have rose apothecary merch.

[josh abe @joshabe]

he’s a 10 but his skin is pale white and ice-cold. his eyes change color and sometimes he speaks like he’s from a different time. he never eats or drinks anything. he doesn’t go out in the sunlight.

[josh abe @joshabe]

“we will adopt your baby”

[josh abe @joshabe]

democracy in america is like when you give your little brother a disconnected controller so he thinks he’s playing.

[josh abe @joshabe]

republicans: “if we don’t like the results of the vote, we will literally break into the building and hang the vice president”

democrats: “we’ve got lin-manuel miranda here to do an interpretive tiktok dance, and amanda gorman knitted hats for everyone. that’ll show em.”

[josh abe @joshabe]

apostolic shitz

[josh abe @joshabe]

not all who wander are lost.

[josh abe @joshabe]

if you buy one bottle of wine at Trader Joe’s, the cashier is legally required to say “oh! someone’s having a party!”

[josh abe @joshabe]

@Nick_Offerman i just finished your most recent tome, and not only did i find it roborative, i also wanted to commend a rendition of its titular song i think you will find extremely apropos. https://t.co/cRf6vY0ny8

[josh abe @joshabe]

if you think critical race theory is going to make you feel bad, just wait until i tell you about the theology of original sin.

[josh abe @joshabe]

bachelorette: will you accept this rose?
bachelor: [swallows the rose whole] *gulp* of course i will.

[josh abe @joshabe]

if a waiter says “be careful, this plate is really hot” you can bet i’m one hundred percent going to touch that plate.

[josh abe @joshabe]

how to sew on a button: a thread 🧵