jp

i thought ariana grande was a font.

[jp @jpetey14]

@MandaPlease_41

[caitie delaney @caitiedelaney]

How far away are Diane Keaton’s forks

[m @msnetik]

happy father’s day to Chessy only

[Cassie Uncapher @CassieUnc]

Pray for Minneapolis 💔

[jacky @JackWilliamRtF]

in 2009 the only thing you had to know to be funny was any of the words in this video

[Kevin W. @Brink_Thinker]

A neighbor called the police to stop kids from sledding down the road...The cops investigated & reported back. https://t.co/4Bmgo5I6vC

[Chris D'Elia @chrisdelia]

Dog is me

[jp @jpetey14]

a guy at the bar tried to hit on my tall self with “girl, you look sturdy” and I’ve never said “don’t” faster.

[Chris D'Elia @chrisdelia]

What are the best backhanded compliments YOUVE ever gotten. This was mine. Awful.

[jp @jpetey14]

“they never dress for the weather in these things”
- mom watching frozen

[Whitney Cummings @WhitneyCummings]

Imagine needing this much attention

[jp @jpetey14]

well shit i gotta marry me a dennis quaid like, right now

[s e r a @_seratonin]

MEREDITH BLAKE IS ONLY TWENTY SIX????

[jp @jpetey14]

yo i’ve BEEN sayin
panera is overpriced hospital food

[jp @jpetey14]

i saw unfrosted pop tarts, but what i said was
“hairless pop tarts”

[jp @jpetey14]

“mom is trying to get me to order a shot of jameson to help with my cramps lol”

[your friend, Dracula @Remember_Sarah]

The last text you sent is the title of your memoir

[s e r a @_seratonin]

IS OCEANS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THIS HAHAHA I LOVE EVERYTHING

[jp @jpetey14]

moms, am I right?

[jp @jpetey14]

@AaronChewning retail: a customer trying to buy something that wasn’t scanning at the register. 1,000% of the time they’d say, “OPE, must be FREE!” then i’d toss ‘em a stale smile & pretend i wasn’t fantasizing about reaching across the counter & holding their carotid artery in my bare hands.

[jp @jpetey14]

insightful, really.

[Kids Write Jokes @KidsWriteJokes]

whats the differnce between a man and a poo
nothing

[jp @jpetey14]

things my brother sends me while he’s sitting 2 feet away.

[Lizzie McGuire @ImLizzieM]

Merry Christmas everyone except Paolo