JohnsonPitchfork

I exist for one reason only: dick and fart jokes. Everything else is just happenstance.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

do you think there were farts in the garden of Eden?

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

"Where he brutally mauled Piglet. And ate Christopher Robin's face off." - Glen Weldon in 'The Caped Crusade'

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

"What these fans saw when they looked at Batman was the object of their childhood love finally legitimized. It was as if Winnie the Pooh had escaped the Hundred-Acre-Wood and run amok on the mean streets of New York.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

a toilet bowl is the PERFECT shape for making a fart sound like a blast from a tuba. was that intentional or a happy coincidence?

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

goddamn. the smell of brewing coffee first thing in the morning fucks like a pornstar.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

asking for myself here: if your balls hang lower than your dong, is the dong little or are the balls big?

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

it is now 2024 and the sopranos is still the only show/movie to depict the realities of clipping your toenails. #shrapnel #sopranos

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

i love to sit and watch it rain, but i cannot do it without describing it in my head with a Forrest Gump voice. today it's, "big ol' fat rain."

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

Deadpool & Wolverine fucks hard.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

recently tried something new in the bedroom. it's a called a twosome. it's like normal sex but there's someone else there with you.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

hey, Red Zone Network: any chance we can get Scott Hansen to shut the fuck up so we can hear the game?

[Demetri Martin ([email protected]) @DemetriMartin]

Kind of a dick move toward trees.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

note to all you tubers: you're not "my boy."

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

big announcement twelve days before the 20th anniversary of that time Kobe raped a woman. #neverforget

[Bleacher Report @BleacherReport]

Kobe Bryant will be on the cover of NBA 2K24 🐍

(via @NBA2K)

[Scott Powers @ByScottPowers]

???

[Revolution Brewing @RevBrewChicago]

"If this doesn't get people excited, I quit," opined our very own @revbarrels

Bear witness to the oaken alchemy behind Dread & Breakfast, the most important beer of the day. There's not a lot of this one. And Season Tickets won't last the week, so 👉 https://t.co/2NdiJcGw0w

[Historic Vids @historyinmemes]

Raw footage from the recording of Chili's ‘Baby Back Ribs' (1998)

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

@foundersbrewing @ArvindDaMartian

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

i want you to close your eyes and imagine, if you dare, what life would be like if farts came out of your mouth.

[JohnsonPitchfork @jpitchfork]

when you've been constipated for a week and the diarrhea busts out like a champagne cork, it makes you want to raise a glass in celebration.