julie

it’s the only life you got so you gotta live it big time

[julie @julieklol]

i had a dream the other night that oregon started their very own version of SNL that i was a part of and i got 3 sketches on our first show, and the sketches names were: “cat goes bowling,” “cat can’t read,” and “dog goes bowling”

[julie @julieklol]

If this happened to id literally just stand in the aisle screaming my head off

[Shannon Watts @shannonrwatts]

United employees forced a 25 year old woman to return to her seat next to a man who was masturbating because the flight was full. After landing, the airline told the woman it was her responsibility to contact police and gave her a $100 travel credit.
https://t.co/7BCpa3hX10

[emily @north0fnorth]

my friends and i would’ve killed liberty biberty with hammers i can tell you that much

[april @yogurtslop3]

lots of people ask me what keeps getting me out of bed in the morning despite it all. and the answer is actually quite simple! i gotta pee

[julie @julieklol]

@emmanationxoxo “Only carry what you need” mf after that comment I think I need a sword !!

[julie @julieklol]

I was reading some pitbull discourse on here and this is just an insane reply

[Gale Na @poisonjr]

Promiscuous squirrel you're teasin' me you stole all my nuts now you're up in that tree

[julie @julieklol]

“Italian men are so flirty!!” is the American woman equivalent of “the stripper is in love with me”

[julie @julieklol]

Italy’s insane bc every restaurant serves the best pasta and pizza for every meal, literally my favorite foods, but it’s actually over 100 degrees and all I want is a cold sandwich

[julie @julieklol]

As a family law attorney, it does break my heart a little every time a client has kids with their partner and realizes that the only monetary support they can get from their ex is child support even if they were functionally a stay-at-home spouse and parent in the relationship

[Inez Stepman ⚪️🔴⚪️ @InezFeltscher]

We’ve got so many people out there going through multiple functional divorces before 35 and say they “dodged a bullet” by not getting actually married. Ma’am, the bullets are lodged in your ribs.

[julie @julieklol]

Was supposed to FaceTime my friend from high school today who lives in Seattle now

[julie @julieklol]

She ebben on my nezer til I Scrooge her carol

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

First poster for ‘EBENEZER’, a new film based on ‘A Christmas Carol’ starring Johnny Depp.

“Before he was Scrooge, he was Ebenezer”

[julie @julieklol]

@premiles_ It’s probably our

[julie @julieklol]

Are specials

[No Slang September 🔜 @premiles_]

Waiter: Have you all visited us before?
Customer 1: I have
Customer 2: I haven't
Waiter: Well, welcome in and welcome back. Are specials are here, and drinks are on the back of the menu.

[julie @julieklol]

Griffin went to talk to them and they were literally just like “oh sorry my daughter must have left the gate open” like DAWG I walk this alley every day bc the city took away our parking for a bike lane and now I have to look over my shoulder every time???? Ridiculous

[julie @julieklol]

was walking from my parked car to my house today and these two mean ass dogs got out of their fenced yard somehow and started chasing me. I stood my ground and yelled but I couldn’t move forward at all because I was going to be crossing a busy street. So fucking scary

[julie @julieklol]

They didn’t attack thankfully, just stood there & barked while I yelled at them waiting for the road to clear up, but I was there for like 1-2 minutes yelling and no one came out to help. I was literally going to change to go the gym but now I’m just sitting on the couch shaking

[julie @julieklol]

@emmanationxoxo and DONT forget counting em before they hatch

[julie @julieklol]

My specialties:
- putting the cart before the horse
- making a mountain out of a molehill
- crying over spilled milk

[julie @julieklol]

@emmanationxoxo One time I made a surgery on a grape tweet that went viral when I was on SNL twitter and I got death threats

[julie @julieklol]

Hey dominos how committed are you to this color combo …