i might be doing the worst i ever have. struggling to work, consumed with self hatred every day, frustrated that my pain has never been enough to motivate me. scared of the future and passively suicidal. tomorrow i will change. i will be relentless in becoming who i’m meant to be
i hope this side of the internet is well<3
i’ve been feeling paralyzed in life and it’s not a good time to be unmotivated. i feel completely out of control so a big part of me wants to commit to starving again. it feels like the only thing i can do rn to make myself proud
my toxic trait is that i lowkey love the scars i’ve been getting by accidentally burning myself at work. i missed having visible scars on my arms and that’s shameful to say at 25 years old but it’s true
i tracked my cals for nearly all of December and was excited to start the new year strong, but i’m literally so poor right now it’s not worth it to track anything. i’m surviving off of omad bagel & cream cheese, buttered pasta, or discounted food from work😭
the “what i used to eat when i was fat” videos genuinely make me upset because i have never had eating habits as bad as the ones they describe and i’m STILL fat😭
had holiday celebrations this weekend and ate like 2000 calories each day and i’m so sad about it bc i’ve been maintaining all week. i want to start starving myself again this isn’t fast enough for meeee
i’ve been weighing & tracking again, eating around 1500, sometimes less, sometimes more. so far it’s been 2 weeks and i’m over 10lbs down!! this feels sustainable to me, i’ve been cooking so much good food and not feeling too hungry or too full :D