kelly

Biggest sucker in the solar system.

[kelly @kallybird]

today my doctor told me to have the hospital give me the “CD of my x-rays” and I asked “what’s a CD?” because I haven’t heard “CD” used in daily conversation in maybe 10 years and figured it was medical jargon 💿 we both looked like fools.

[kelly @kallybird]

I love the airport because you can be impatient without people thinking you’re an agitated betch. Which I am.

[kelly @kallybird]

@peteholmes @ChrisThayerSays @CobbsComedyClub tysm for tonight! one question: why are all of your inner dialogues / friends / characters arnold schwarzenegger doing an impression of ray romano if he grew up in the valley?

[kelly @kallybird]

@CASNightLife What time do live performances typically start?

[kelly @kallybird]

@JoshPack_ idk what that is r we over?

[kelly @kallybird]

@JoshPack_ wtf means wut the fuck

[kelly @kallybird]

How many grams of your own cuticles do you have to eat before it’s considered autocannibalism?

[kelly @kallybird]

today’s the day I stop using exclamation points in email sign offs 👩🏻‍⚖️

[kelly @kallybird]

super power: seeing farts

[kelly @kallybird]

“Patriarchy is the demogorgon”

[kelly @kallybird]

THEY WERE MAGIC MIKE AND BRIDGET JONES'E DIARY I'M SORRY https://t.co/eMkEuySdlE

[kelly @kallybird]

watched two movies tonight that featured "it's raining men" and i won't tell you what they were but I'll tell you I'm going to read more

[kelly @kallybird]

watched two movies tonight that featured "it's raining men" and i won't tell you what they were but I'll tell you I'm going to read more

[kelly @kallybird]

apt to self = lozza mozzarella + noah baumbach marathon + intermittent grooming

[kelly @kallybird]

aaron samuels is the host of cake wars

[kelly @kallybird]

text from jersh's mom that i can't stop looking at

[kelly @kallybird]

@JoshPack_ NEVAR.

[kelly @kallybird]

@rickshawstopsf @dentmay Is it doors @ 8 or music @ 8? Please & thank you! 👩🏼‍🎤

[kelly @kallybird]

@pitchforkfest Will you be scanning print-at-home ticket PDFs off mobile phones or do you have to print a physical copy?

[kelly @kallybird]

going to vegas for the first time