Keating Thomas

These tweets may not be disseminated without the expressed, written consent of your mom. // I made @FilmSnuff

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

List of commercials I just saw in a row:
1. Don't do drugs
2. You need this drug
3. Don't drink and drive
4. Beer is awesome
5. Buy this car

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Why are they trying to sell me on GMO-free dog food when literally all my dogs are themselves genetically-modified organisms?

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

How do I tell Netflix — no matter how tragic they make it seem — that I don’t give a flying fuck about Hulk Hogan?

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

@sueinphilly @Jeopardy It says “base.”

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Hey, @Jeopardy. There’s an error in this clue (where the correct response was “JAZZ”). There’s only one Z in the game, so the face value of this would actually be 19—with a meaningful (yet point-less) blank representing the other Z.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Trump is most certainly unraveling the U.S. Constitution. He’s systematically undoing the First Amendment, as we all know. But, more interestingly, he’s also reversing the Third Amendment, as a lot of major cities are now being required to quarter soldiers against their will.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

@FreckledLiberty I want whoever I’m with to be fortunate enough to get to feel happy, validated, respected and fulfilled in whatever interests them.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Where do the hellhole city’s residents buy the plywood if there are no stores?

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

@JomboyMedia See, he thought this would endear fans to him. They’d think, “Wow, what a guy; he’s really giving it his all out there. And this and the earring are NOT a giant embarrassment.” And considering his only defenders are the dumbest and lamest fans in baseball, he was probably right.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

@JomboyMedia This lady has already been traded to the San Francisco Giants.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Movie elevators always have such great comedic timing.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Today is the shortest day of the year. Unless you're spending it with your family. Then it's the longest.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Diet Pepsi should be rebranded as Sawdust Juice®

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

💩

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

I know I’m now officially old because I don’t understand 75% of the Internet’s acronyms anymore.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

So many movies might be more watchable (JFK, Oppenheimer, Lincoln etc) if they just cut out the awful cliché of having the historical American hero’s wife shrilly screaming at him over and over every 30 mins. It’s an insult to female characters and the actors who play them. Ugh.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Two definite great clear horror movies that weren’t sold to anyone at all as horror movies are “Vanilla Sky” and “What About Bob?”

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

I’ve never felt so young. For another 30 minutes at least.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

I actually viscerally feel bad for people who make their entire identity about actively hating current politicians.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

It’s sad how new-age “funny” is choosing general acceptance over truth.

[Keating Thomas @keatingthomas]

Something that always confused me about “Who’s the Boss?” was this guy’s name. And I feel bad for his kid, who is probably named, “Rednecks hate you now, weirdly.”