Kellen Erskine

Go to my Insta to see these same jokes get a thousand likes. The Book Pile podcast:

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

“You do you” just means “I think what you are doing is stupid.”

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I hate that I’m at an age where I look at huge lawn decorations and my Christmas wonder has deflated into “Where do they store all that?”

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

Imagine how insane the world would be if all animals knew how to throw stuff

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

My son’s short animation project for his engineering hero @MarkRober’s competition!#campcrunchlabscontest

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

Apple’s most incredible innovation is the invisible set of springs inside every AirPods case where upon dropping it from a height of one foot it catapults your earbuds across the solar system

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

On Mother’s Day me and the kids have my wife sleep in so she can wake up to the smoke alarm

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

Henry Ford was just an introvert who wanted to get from his house to the store without having to say hi to anyone

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

“One small step for man, one large step for a woman am I right?”
-On a crumpled paper in Neil Armstrong’s wastebasket

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I like lazy people because they don’t practice the saxophone three hours a day across from my bedroom window

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

Remember what Edison said of his 10,000 light bulb attempts: “I didn’t fail, I just took credit for hundreds of employees’ inventions and made Nikola Tesla’s life a living hell”

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I bet it’s funny when the canary just dies of old age and those miners scramble for no reason

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

When you’re an introvert every Uber is an Uber Pool

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

You can hang a WET PAINT sign on anything

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I couldn’t be a spy because when I try and hold in a sneeze it makes it louder

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

If I could take anything with me after I die it'd be a stamp of a harp on the back of my hand so I could walk up to St. Peter like, “Just stepped out for a minute”

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I’m not into carnivals because I don’t trust a Ferris wheel with a tow hitch

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I cancelled Disney+ not for politics but because I hate that spacebar isn’t the “play” key

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

My athleticism level is that I’ve got a sport rack on my car which has only secured Christmas trees

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

Hunger Games + The Maze Runner = PAC-MAN

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

I would have loved to sneak into Victor Hugo’s house and steal all of his silver to see if he’d react like a hypocrite

[Kellen Erskine @KellenErskine]

Sometimes I think I want to be the type of person who posts more personal stuff on here and then I remember that I won’t even share a screenshot without cropping off my battery level