Kendall Detweiler

I tell jokes and then die a little inside when no one laughs

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

serial monogamist? I prefer the term "long-haul fucker"

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Bartender tip #437:
When you and your buddies are all drunk at the bar, that’s actually not the best time to try to initiate an intervention

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Love how the Supreme Court drops its biggest bummers right before July 4th

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Starting a charity where I help bi-curious women figure it out

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Just overheard two SF women walking designer dogs say, “it’s hard to recover after a vacation”

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Employees should be paid time and a half if they are sleepy.

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

I haven’t read it but I assume The Three Body Problem is about the logistical difficulties of having a threesome.

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@coltonredwine @jonahbron Then say goodbye to your precious daiquiri

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

I start every bartending shift by pledging my undying love to ~The Guest~

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@jonahbron You, Colton, that guy who threw up on table 25 last week. I’d take a bullet for all of you.

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Moving right next door to a McDonald’s has been better for my mental health than any antidepressant I’ve ever taken

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Doing lip trills to warm up before sucking dick

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@calebsaysthings I was once at a memorial service when an off leash dog peed on my sister.

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@jonahbron Be sure to include a pic of your maternal grandfather in your dating profile

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Overheard a guy earnestly complaining to his friend:
“Women these days will only date guys who can read social cues!”

So ladies, please.
Consider lowering your already subterranean bar even further.

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@jonahbron Nah that stuff makes me blackout

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Looking to score some Advil if anyone has a hookup

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@coltonredwine @jonahbron Loving the dialogue I’ve started here

[charlie @chunkbardey]

whenever i have to get blood drawn i’m like wait theranos is kinda a good idea…

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

@jonahbron Well I didn’t know where to start!

[Kendall Detweiler @kendldetweiler]

Jesus Christ…