John

Don’t put twinkies on your pizza

[John @ketchupspectre]

.@ComedyBangBang

[John @ketchupspectre]

@kwmurphy Was this picture taken in the 1993 PC game Doom?

[John @ketchupspectre]

Happy Valentine's Day, here are some Home Alone inspired cards I made to help you celebrate.

[John @ketchupspectre]

Gutfeld! is the medical term for stomach thrush

[John @ketchupspectre]

Kinda funny that while the @NFL promotes ending racism, a racist chant is constantly echoing throughout this Super Bowl.

[John @ketchupspectre]

Until I finally watched Planet of the Apes, I always thought Dr. Zaius was nice and Taylor’s friend because of the line “I love you Dr. Zaius!”

[Josh Weinstein @Joshstrangehill]

This brings up a delightful question: what joke in the Simpsons did you think was a real thing and only later realized was just a joke? Or vice versa?

[John @ketchupspectre]

Saw @BrianStack153 trying to waste a minute of my time at goodwill today

[John @ketchupspectre]

I have cat dad bod, which is 50 lbs heavier than regular dad bod.

[John @ketchupspectre]

Ted Cruz has to make these brutally awful attempts at comedy to slow down the melting of his body. His gloppy pudding face tells me he’s about to record a special.

[The Recount @therecount]

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) says there’s a “real risk” Biden forgiving some student loan debt will help Democrats in the 2022 midterms:

“If you are that slacker barista who wasted seven years in college … if you can get off the bong for a minute … it could drive up turnout.”

[John @ketchupspectre]

KEVIN WAS MAD AT BUZZ FOR EATING ALL THE CHEESE PIZZA, SO HE SHOVED HIM INTO A TABLE AND MILK SPILLED NEAR THE PLANE TICKETS TO PARIS. WHILE CLEANING IT UP, THE DAD ACCIDENTALLY THREW AWAY KEVIN’S TICKET. THAT’S WHY NO ONE NOTICED HE WAS MISSING TILL THEY WERE IN THE AIR

[John @ketchupspectre]

@pattymo @murderxbryan One time Dr. Oz sat on his own balls and they had to stop campaigning for a couple of days.

[John @ketchupspectre]

I’ve been binging old Conan clips and two things: the Walker Texas Ranger lever is one of the best comedy bits of all time and Walker Texas Ranger is one of the worst shows ever made.

[John @ketchupspectre]

@Seinfeld2000

[John @ketchupspectre]

I don’t tell my cat to hush when she meows, I sit my human ass down and listen!

[John @ketchupspectre]

A formula shortage while Roe is being threatened feels prophetic. It would be like deciding it’s time to ban food and then food starts raining from the sky. But we’re so stupid we would just start prosecuting anyone who ate the sky pizza instead of going ”hmm, maybe we’re wrong”

[John @ketchupspectre]

Tucker Carlson always has a look of both being constipated and currently shitting.

[John @ketchupspectre]

Apologies to Robin Williams, who was the complete opposite of a trash human being, and his likeness.

[John @ketchupspectre]

I’m not one to criticize how someone looks, but Ted Cruz is a trash human being and looks like a melting Robin Williams wax statue covered in pubes.

[John @ketchupspectre]

Just say “Fuck Biden” you dork

[Kevin Sorbo @ksorbs]

4 years of “F Trump! F Trump!”

But you say “Let’s go Brandon” and you’re dividing the country.

[John @ketchupspectre]

I love love.
Wait, I meant loaves.
I love loaves

[John @ketchupspectre]

Just to be clear, I’m saying “fuck you”

[John @ketchupspectre]

🖕

[Variety @Variety]

“I have the best advice for women in business,” Kim Kardashian says. “Get your f--king ass up and work. It seems like nobody wants to work these days.” https://t.co/HuddEEXmoM