Kevin Eis

really into pyramids and body modification

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

mary kate and ashley didn’t get full house till they were 6 months old. never stop the hustle. keep pushing. it’ll happen.

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

the same actor who plays pauly d also plays theo von

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

hey @Hersheys you guys got some explaining to do

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

am i color blind?

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

sorry if i seem off, i was washing my face w long sleeves on and water went up my arm

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

why do duvets exist? there’s no reason for blankets to have guts

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

sorry i’m late i was riffing w the tj checkout employee

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

PLEASE DON’T VOTE!!!

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

not to seem like a toddler, but i be spilling lately. water, juice, milk… you name it. little drops, all over the floor.

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

i won’t tell you i won but there’ll be signs

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

i never see my wife get more angry than when i ask her to grab the delivery food from the door

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

me: *accidentally touches my tv remote*
my tv remote: *changes the channel, turns off the tv, sells my home, cps is knocking at the front door, my wife left me, i have to sleep in my car, my world collapses*

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

who’s your mt rushmore?
mine’s washington, lincoln, jefferson, and teddy roosevelt

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

so weird, its been almost a whole month since the last time seth rogen reminded the internet he’s definitely happy he doesn’t have children

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

@BGatesIsaPyscho absolutely insane what he held up a few minutes later SMH

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

@elonmusk i have a restaurant idea that i need funding for. It's basically Dick's Last Resort but theyre nice to you. i think the rude thing is holding them back. just dm me the cash when ready. ty

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

i’m sorry, i have to leave, this orgy does not pass the bechdel test

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

being embarrassed is so embarrassing, it’s like uchh im so weird this thing i just experienced traumatized me smh 🤦🏻‍♂️

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

spontaneously buying flowers at the grocery store is so embarrassing, i came here for eggs but now everyone knows i love my wife smh

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

matt rife would’ve gotten less canceled if he was in hamas

[Kevin Eis @kevineis]

if you play all this footage of people ripping down signs in reverse, it kinda looks like they’re pretty passionate about bringing hostages home