Kirk Gleason

a man living with his mother. I have had 13,000 different jobs

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Donzo of the leaf? No, Donzo of the bitch for real

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

I really have to get an updated picture of my girlfriend. The one I carry in my wallet is from when she was 12 and people say the meanest things when they think you are dating a 12 year old.

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

I was having a great day until I heard a grace vanderwaal song in the grocery store. Now I wish that we never gave women rights.

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

It’s Monday morning and Walmart is closed. How am I supposed to buy my weekly supply of clothes. I peed in all the ones I bought last week.

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Today I made a snowball with some ice and rock pieces in it and pelted a kid in the face with it. When I was young that was called “building character” and now apparently it’s called “child abuse”?! What has the world come to?

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Can we normalize adults peeing their pants?! Sometimes we can’t hold it! It’s ok! Just let it out! #CeasefireForAdultsWhoPeeTheirPants

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Imagine how much better of a place the world would be if we didn’t allow people over the age of 60 to drive. #GetGrannyOffTheRoad #GrandpaToo

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Apparently it’s “unprofessional” and “disrespectful” to dress up as a baby at work and ask all the women for some milk. When did Halloween become so censored?
#LookingForAJob

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Just once I’d like to wake up to a butterfly’s wings gently touching my swollen nipples. Is that too much to ask for?

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Don’t waste that poop🤣🤣

[Glenn Hardwood @GlennHardwood]

I’m pooping

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

My mother found out I was going to streak at the local football game so she took my roller blades away. Now I have no way to get around efficiently. #MothersMakeMeMad

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

I want to have this person over immediately

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

My absolute favorite part of being stuck in an elevator is establishing the pee corner! Like if you love peeing third!

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Let’s get all the old ladies who think they should still be out driving around and push them into a pool of yogurt. That’ll keep them busy for a while. #OldGrandmaShouldNotDrive

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

I’d rather Hulu hoop my way to the destination then book a flight with frontier

[Glenn Hardwood @GlennHardwood]

I want to say one thing right off the bat! Fuck Frontier Airlines!!!! However, I am on United and not only did you cancel my first flight, but now I have to deboard my return flight. You fucking suck and now I won’t be able to masturbate tonight. You are pathetic

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

@LeeLongwoodCorn Definitely trying this tonight. Good thing I always have 8 knobs of corn at all times!

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Take off the legs and replace them with arms. You will not be disappointed. #MoreHandsMoreFun

[Glenn Hardwood @GlennHardwood]

I’m about to have sex with a manikin. Any pointers?

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

Yes but his old best friend is a slippery seal😈 not a penguin.

[Glenn Hardwood @GlennHardwood]

Is that the movie where the penguin watches his girlfriend, with huge penguin melons, getting railed by his old best friend penguin?

[Glenn Hardwood @GlennHardwood]

Is that the movie where the penguin watches his girlfriend, with huge penguin melons, getting railed by his old best friend penguin?

[Kirk Gleason @kirkgl]

I think if you watch the movie Sad feet it will have the opposite effect. That’s the only thing that would make any logical sense.

[Glenn Hardwood @GlennHardwood]

I am trying to be more honest on this app. About a month ago I watched the movie Happy Feet for the first time and now I am having constant night terrors about the main character.

Does anyone have any recommendations?