(Me making jokes in my therapy session)
Therapist: *laughing so hard she’s crying and can’t compose herself
Me: So do you think I learned to perform as a child to manage the emotions of adults in order to feel safe and that’s why I’m a comedian?
Therapist: 😶
Things Leos Say Under Our Breath That We’re Not Always Proud of: 1. I would look so much better in that. 2. They’re just jealous. 3. They’re intimidated by me… Should I keep going? I’m disgusted with myself AND I still love the attention.
My friend threw shade at someone’s home decor by saying it had “a lot of maroons and Kirkland” and honestly I’ve never heard anyone dragged that specifically. 💀 🔥
If ur dating profile says “STI free” and looking for “loyalty” I’m gonna assume you have trust issues and have given lots of women genital herpes with that cold sore you don’t think is an STI.
My personal bliss on a Friday night is eating snacks in bed while intermittently watching an alien doc, and having the kind of peace that allows you to casually Google “baby camel”.
@dbs_tweets Bahaha!! This was 💯 me or my cohost! The National Gay & Sober Men’s Conference rented two buses for a custom Pride tour! (I may have also screamed at ppl on 5th Ave to pay their taxes)! 🤷🏻♀️ Happy Pride!! 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️
When ppl ask me when I’m gonna have kids Imma start saying “I’m not interested in the social convention of reproductive labor”... and just see what happens. 💅🏼 Happy Easter!! 🐣