Kirsten O’Brien

Comedian. Writer. Dancer. Possible Witch.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

*4.8 mag earthquake shakes NYC*

New Yorkers: Is rent still due? Ok, then I don’t care.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

I thought that was my landlord finally fixing the roof. Turns out it was something far more believable… an earthquake in NYC.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

For real tho has anyone done a wellness check on Shelby and Dolly? I’m worried about the gurrls

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

What if men took a vow of no intercourse until abortion access is restored?.. Prob a lot of blow jobs in it for ya! Eh?! 🤷🏻‍♀️ #orjustgetavasectomy

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

(Me making jokes in my therapy session)

Therapist: *laughing so hard she’s crying and can’t compose herself

Me: So do you think I learned to perform as a child to manage the emotions of adults in order to feel safe and that’s why I’m a comedian?

Therapist: 😶

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

When I stop having to unhook my mask from my hoop earnings, I’ll know this God forsaken pandemic is over.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

Things Leos Say Under Our Breath That We’re Not Always Proud of: 1. I would look so much better in that. 2. They’re just jealous. 3. They’re intimidated by me… Should I keep going? I’m disgusted with myself AND I still love the attention.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

Ever feel like shit and not know why, then fall into a depressive spiral of lethargy and shame, and then realize you’re just thirsty?

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

CDC announces it doesn’t matter if you win, as long as you had fun.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

My friend threw shade at someone’s home decor by saying it had “a lot of maroons and Kirkland” and honestly I’ve never heard anyone dragged that specifically. 💀 🔥

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

I just realized today is Saturday, not Sunday. I can’t begin to tell you what that did for my mental health. 🙏

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

If ur dating profile says “STI free” and looking for “loyalty” I’m gonna assume you have trust issues and have given lots of women genital herpes with that cold sore you don’t think is an STI.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

My personal bliss on a Friday night is eating snacks in bed while intermittently watching an alien doc, and having the kind of peace that allows you to casually Google “baby camel”.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

I just made oatmeal with oat milk and I’m pretty sure this is illegal.

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

Defiantly not wearing a mask in the airport is small dick energy 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

I guess we’re going straight from Hot Girl Summer to Swamp Snatch September?? 🤷🏻‍♀️💦 #climatechange

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

@dbs_tweets Bahaha!! This was 💯 me or my cohost! The National Gay & Sober Men’s Conference rented two buses for a custom Pride tour! (I may have also screamed at ppl on 5th Ave to pay their taxes)! 🤷🏻‍♀️ Happy Pride!! 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

When ppl ask me when I’m gonna have kids Imma start saying “I’m not interested in the social convention of reproductive labor”... and just see what happens. 💅🏼 Happy Easter!! 🐣

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

Website: password must contain one character

Me: (puts in a dash)

Website: but not that one

🙄🙄🙄

[Kirsten O’Brien @kizzyko]

#Millennials use the laugh/cry emoji to shield future generations from our Boomer trauma 🤣😂😭