Haüs of Gourdeau

writer, comedian, person who calls people "girlie"

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

shocking that Instagram hasn't renamed the "Close Friends" functionality to "This gay user wants to have sex with you"

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

a science fiction movie in which a running club organizes a run and doesn't post upwards of 40 Instagram pictures taken during said run

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

If I can truly ask Instagram people anything, I shall ask them to stop doing these AMA things.

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

Before you post a pic of your dad, ask yourself… is he fuckable enough for the grid?

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

some of us have been watching Vanderpump since 'It's not about the pasta' so watch your tone...

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

the 7 stages of g̶r̶i̶e̶f̶ angela bassett doing the thing

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

I don’t want to act/write/have talent, I just want to be famous enough to give an exclusive vanity fair interview about my divorce that has made me grow and learn about myself so much

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

my family when I do my victory twerk on the kitchen table after winning at Uno

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

Real housewives of the Don't Worry Darling Press Tour

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

shocking that I had to show my gay sex tape to the nurse to be eligible for the monkeypox shot!

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

would love to see a documentary about the 1 heterosexual man at Dua Lipa's Montreal show yesterday

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

He's a 10 but he's been dead the whole movie and was actually killed by his patient in the first scene

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

So #grindr gets an F- on the Bechdel test in a whole new way

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

'ugly' isn't physical, it's behavioral!

Ex. People who call every dating app Tinder = ugly

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

when i die, who will inherit my perfect tiktok algorithm?

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

having a harder time than expected finding a partner willing to name our child 'Baby-Bitch'

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

I'm not part of the Barb community but I am an ally! love y'all xx

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

As a Patrick, I truly feel I am not being marketed to enough for St Patrick's Day

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

just realized i'm going to be gay my entire life :(

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

the best part about being gay is that you get to be a little homophobic 🥰

[Haüs of Gourdeau @la_gourde]

a lot of apartments claim to be furnished and yet they don't have a coffee grinder... beware.