Howie Jacobs

Prolific author of unfinished fiction. Eater of beef. Boston accent available on demand.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@BillboardChris <Occam's Razor has entered the chat>

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@feelsdesperate Cinema as a humiliation ritual.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@godlywomanhood Have you considered that part of her meticulous planning might have ensured her own survival while giving the appearance of a remorseful attempt at self-termination, and that she relished in her husband's torment as he remained loyal to her? As diabolical as demons are?

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

Homeschooling with materials by @HannahWardEdu - and they're a big hit. We'll be finished with the alphabet pages in a few more days. My son keeps telling me he HAS to learn cursive before his birthday in spring!

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@DrillMeaton She literally pushes my four year old aside whenever he's frustrated or scared to do something, and says "Mine can do it!" Instant mastery of everything she tries. She's like Jason Bourne reincarnate.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

My toddler just walked into the kitchen, opened the safety lock we'd installed on the refrigerator door to keep her out, and placed a single Ricola cough drop (which she took from the top of a dresser 3x her height without any visible climbing aid) onto the shelf. Game over.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@TradAdvocate @paleochristcon She admitted that she did it, moron.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@slangchain I'm good with it until they get married.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

Broken sleep is definitely bad for your health, but I'll take the hit to co-sleep with my kids. There's nothing like waking from a sound sleep when a toddler kicks you in the eye or decides to use your windpipe as a pillow. It's blissful. It's like you're living outside of time.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@Reuters The Patriarchy is not the reason she was able to land so many roles despite being unattractive and a mediocre talent.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@adsk4 That's really messed up.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@kikisknees Just think how many abortions she could have paid for with that $300M necklace.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@majamediaco How can lying on the ground be more extreme or fulfilling than flying?

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@txsalth2o I almost didn't didn't end up with my wife because she was 30 minutes late to our first date. She kept telling me she was five minutes away from the cafe when she wasn't, which I didn't realize at the time was a cultural thing. Luckily, the coffee was good enough for me to wait!

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@Will_Tanner_1 Imagine trying to achieve excellence and smelling weed at the same time (and not being Snoop Dog).

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

I understand Mass law has a unique definition of "beyond a reasonable doubt" but Mass law also allows mothers to kill their fully developed babies as long as they're still inside their bodies. Mass law is designed to facilitate infanticide and protect witches. It is illegitimate

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@CathyYoung63 Yes, murderers should be killed, not given therapy and then released back into the general population.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@rahul Can these camera be used to detect cancerous polyps? Why don't you shove one up your ass and let us know how it goes.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@wesyang That's odd. I can smell cigarette smoke from 50 feet away if there's a breeze, and my sense of smell is generally pretty bad.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@helenstaniland I dunno. Let's import a few million of them and ask.

[Howie Jacobs @lasthumanauthor]

@alittleleader Yeah, fuck the jurors. They could have ended this on day one if they'd done their fucking jobs.