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Somewhere between a sweetheart and a complete asshole.

[Hand Solo™ @RdrJay47]

Her: How about you take me in the bedroom and show me something amazing?

Me: This is Uncanny X-Men #266, the first appearance of Gambit.

[Reply All @LatinBoy86]

Am I the Villain,

Or the Superhero complex. ..?

[Reply All @LatinBoy86]

I couldn't make it in prison.

Did you know there's no wifi?

[Reply All @LatinBoy86]

What is happening right now.

What did I just do.

[Reply All @LatinBoy86]

This just in:

I think I may have completely underestimated myself.

[Will Rodgers @xWILLRODGERSx]

19 year old Kylie Jenner bought herself a $200k Land Rover...just because

Anyway...I'm off to Coin Star to see if I can pay rent this month

[Reply All @LatinBoy86]

No you smell like pot.

[Will Rodgers @xWILLRODGERSx]

Can someone please tell Snorlax to hurry up... I need to piss.

[Pizza Las Vegas 🍕🎲 @muyrando]

Car salesmen: How's this one? Want to kick the tires?
Me: Alright, I'll kick the tires and you punch the windshield. Let's fuck this car up.

[Pizza Las Vegas 🍕🎲 @muyrando]

Son: Will Santa come if we don't have a chimney?
Me: Yes, any murderer or kidnapper could get in here, I'm sure Santa can too. Sleep tight.

[Reply All @LatinBoy86]

I'm not saying I'm easily distracted or anything but

[Alana Benson @LaniBeno]

For some strange reason, as a child I was led to believe that quicksand would be a more prevalent danger than it actually is.

[Sarcastic Mommy @sarcasticmommy4]

I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.

[Hand Solo™ @RdrJay47]

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

[Sana Khan PTI 🇨🇦 @SanwalSana]

Silence is my best anti-wrinkle.

[transfer portal taylor @bodybycheezits]

the presidential race is down to two yellow starbursts.