Lauren Bingham

guess im back on twitter oops🤷🏼‍♀️

[katsu @katsuxbt]

Jason Bateman says he was too embarrassed to say one word to his 14-year-old during ‘the talk’, so the replacement he invented is so much worse

“So I’m giving my daughter the talk, you don’t want to be saying the word ‘ejaculate’ to your daughter. That’s not a great term”

“I said, when the male member is inside of the woman’s member, it’s so lovely, there’s so much love. I’m starting to sweat just thinking about it”

“To avoid that term, I said the penis just screams. And it’s the equivalent of the penis just yelling ‘I love you.’ And then it yells the love into the woman, and then you get you, baby”

“You should write a children’s book - Jimmy Kimmel”

[lulu @lullvizz]

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[Lady Lawya @Parkerlawyer]

Yesterday during trial I asked my client his age and he answered and also added “Today is my birthday” and I said, “Oh my goodness I should have known that, Happy Birthday!” and then the Judge said, “Happy Birthday!” then the judicial assistant said, “Happy Birthday!” and the trial went on and he won custody and as we were walking out the court deputy said, “Happy Birthday!” and anyway this seems like a fantastic trial tactic I need to remember to schedule more trials on client’s birthdays apparently.

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[Leo Daube @leodaube]

Me at the British Museum

[ParkinScrotes @parkinscroat]

Fucking crying at the laugh he does immediately after saying it.

[yoxic @yoxics]

IShowSpeed randomly ran into Vincent Martella the voice actor of "Phineas" from Phineas and Ferb the iconic childhood show 😭🔥

[Barstool Sports @barstoolsports]

England singing Wonderwall with their supporters after an incredible match

What an atmosphere

[Nathan Carroll @Nathan_26_]

One of my favorite World Cup revelations is Europeans not knowing who Alaska belongs to

[Larry The Cable Guy @GitRDoneLarry]

God Bless Terry.

[AmericaReal @AmericaReal3]

finally.........

A drone show I can appreciate! 😆😂🤣

[Cerys Jones @reallycerys]

‘Is there going to be a Hurry Kane’ - my flatmate

[Seputar Real Madrid @SeputarMadrid]

Erling Haaland and Vinícius Júnior in the comments section of an Instagram meme page. 😭😭😭😂😂

[Adam Michie @flicksandtricks]

I had no idea I spoke Croatian.

[P. Maziya @Maziya__P]

I know he stressed his mom out as a kid 😭

[George Kittle @gkittle46]

USA USA USA 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸

[Lloyd Canfield @LloydCanfield]

England fans have chosen a random baseball player, Michael Harris of the Atlanta Braves, to support more than anyone else at the baseball after beating DR Congo 😭🫱🏼‍🫲🏾🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿⚾️

And it’s absolutely class 👏

[AB⚕ @AbsoluteBruno]

I’m rolling on the floor 😭😭
https://t.co/o4GOYRNKOi