Lauren

Lame af. Mom of three. Three what you ask? I'm not telling. My best friends are a ukulele and a dog.

[Lauren @Laurenmccoid]

"I am not getting the attention I deserve!" I yell as I continuously isolate myself and talk to no one.

[Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ @Bob_Janke]

I want the kind of job where you die at your desk and nobody notices for two days

[Billifer 🇨🇦 @billifer1973]

You know what’s more dangerous for children than Tylenol? Pedophiles. Release the fucking Epstein files.

[K @UghShh]

She's unhinged but delightful

[Brunette Bohemian @Jane_Doe82]

It’s illegal to be mean to me, I’m just a little sweetie pie

[She-Rage, Princess of Pain @ClaireMax]

Are you telling me a cis teen painted this chapel

[yeah ok @poutinesmoothie]

If the book was written today, I feel James would have a giant avocado.

[Daz? @HomeProbably]

I don’t boast but if I did, I would be the best at it.

[Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1]

People who invent their own sayings make me angrier than a goose in July.

[Pandy Fackler ❄️ @ThatBrenna]

I heard you like bad girls. I'm bad at everything

[Lauren @Laurenmccoid]

I met a lovely cat. It barely noticed me or gave a shit. It was like I didn't exist. So naturally I formed an instant attachment to it.

[Lauren @Laurenmccoid]

Do you ever look at your ex spouse and want to get even more divorced?
I want to be double divorced.

[Lauren @Laurenmccoid]

Due to my new low sugar lifestyle, I am currently accepting applications for a Splenda Daddy.

[jo @whatsJo]

Oh I get it. Fun onions.

[omar @DripArab]

I’m a whore for that lovey dovey shit

[whis_pea @whis_pea]

Twitter has taught me that I can write things that are piercingly accurate and resonant to between 3 and 5 people.

[The B. @anerdonfire2]

I'm pretty sure my stuffed animals are talking about me behind my back.

[Jason Goes to Hell @benedictsred]

At 73, Springsteen’s doctor now advises being born to walk briskly.

[inspector ratchet @_hood_mona_lisa]

Please don't use my Twitter profile as a metric for my personality, I'm actually much worse in real life

[TonyL @creativeTypeDad]

Me: Did you know more people eat bananas than monkeys…

12YO: Really?

Me: Yes! When was the last time you saw a person eat a monkey.