laurenetflix

it's my party and you'll die if I want you to

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Date older men so you can watch them die

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

turning in my grave over your car's extended warranty

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

I know I’m getting old because whenever I see a rapper with face tattoos alI I want to do is tell them they’ll never be able to get a real job

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

.... @Delta it doesn’t have to be this way baby, I loved you. I used your rewards program. I almost signed up for your credit card. Come on babe.

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Honestly @Delta check your vmails I just want me stuff back I don’t want to date or anything literally I’ll have my friend pick it up we don’t even have to see each other

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

@Delta Ghost of the Year award goes to @Delta for ignoring me better than any man ever

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Robbery of the Year award goes to the heroes at @Delta for allowing someone to steal my carry on bag from the overhead bid then screening my calls better than any ex

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Twilight really put the Pacific Northwest on the map

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Hi my name is Lauren and I’m being personally victimized by @joywavemusic via Bandsintown push notifications
*group chants* Hi Lauren

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

I broke a lightbulb in my room earlier and now I can’t go in my room ever again

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Looking back now I probably shouldn’t have abbreviated the @DiarrheaPlanet show as “DP party” on my large, publicly viewed work calendar

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

No one will ever want me as much as all these cities want the Amazon HQ

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Technology is great and all but my amazon Alexa still can’t understand me with my mouth full

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Just know if you’ve ever stood to close to me in a crowded public setting I’ve hexed your first born

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Dad is just another word for tax advisor

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

I hate how my online banking app lists my crippling credit card debt next to my checking acct I keep mixing them up and getting false hope

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Never in my life did I think I'd agree with John McCain so thank you 2017

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Not interested in your cat calls unless you're calling to say you got a cat

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Remember like 3 years ago when everyone was sleeping on @PostMalone but me

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

Airports are where all the people upset about players kneeling during the national anthem go

[laurenetflix @laurnyoung]

I just had to explain to 3 different baristas what earl grey was god save the queen