Leonardo

Leader of my dumbass brothers. Fuck with me and I cut you.

[Leonardo @leobluu]

A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

[Leonardo @leobluu]

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
"in a few years its gonna be really cold"
*hands them mixtape*
"you gon need this"

[Leonardo @leobluu]

*appears wearing comically fake mustache* I say old boy it's sure to be a classic of your American crime fiction

[Leonardo @leobluu]

I refuse to let machines tell me what to do especially the damn crosswalk robot. I've been hit by so many cars I should be dead

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Every year people swallow 8 bugs in their sleep but it's probably much worse for the bugs

[Leonardo @leobluu]

I've never played Fallout but I would probably like it

[Leonardo @leobluu]

ANDRE3000: What's wrong with me doc? DOCTOR: Let me put it this way. You know what else is cooler than being cool? Hypothermia

[Leonardo @leobluu]

You wake up on a canoe that's about to go over a huge waterfall but at least you probably won't have to go to work today

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Hope fb never disables me bumping 5 year old complaints on corporate pages

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Ok apparently this is the whole point of the fake story and I am now a joke explainer account.

[Leonardo @leobluu]

I've been binge-watching my life the first few seasons were better

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Farewell sweet Daniel! May flights of angels etc. I pray the Lord will overlook your many many (many) shortcomings

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

[Leonardo @leobluu]

You wake up on a canoe that's about to go over a huge waterfall but at least you probably won't have to go to work today

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Slip-N-Slides were bullshit you always hit your ankle on the sprinkler

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Imagine how awkward the first ever high 5 was

[Leonardo @leobluu]

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife] Wife: Look at it's little heart beating! Isn't it amazing... Me: It looks like a crossiant

[Leonardo @leobluu]

Ok apparently this is the whole point of the fake story and I am now a joke explainer account.

[Leonardo @leobluu]

You can dress like a dandy or a pinup but don't pretend it was all fun and games

[Leonardo @leobluu]

I've been sitting in Starbucks for 16 hours I'm just waiting for the line to die down