funny jemily tweets

funny jemily tweets now edited and revised by @eauphelia / emily, 24

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

yon priest at mine deathbed: thou hast three and thirty lines left to speak, sirrah
me: to be or not to be: that is the question. whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end th

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

why don't y'all leave his bones there and put a nice informational tile on top of them? isn't that what y'all say about those controversial statues too? our monarch decided this is where he should rot away so we have to respect that's just the mindset of the people back then!

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

so some dusty old bitch who got decapitated in 1619 is culturally&historically so important we can waste millions of tax money digging up his bones from underneath parliament, but slavery, which was abolished not even 2 centuries ago, has neither an impact nor legacy today? Right

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

it's surreal to be part of social/international media rn when everyone is living by different corona rules based on geographic location. half of twitter is so familiar w/ mandatory face masks they're in their profile pics meanwhile if u wear them in public here u get weird stares

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

people really have forgotten the horror videos coming out of italy & spain at the height of their corona crises huh? and we're still getting horror news from the USA and yet we don't seem to get how LUCKY we've all been that we don't have THAT

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

constantly being catapulted from "it's normal for anyone, neurotypical or not, to be upset in this situation" and "ive finally tired myself out beyond all limits which is why i react so intensely dramatic to everything" and there is no answer and no solution :) ever :))

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

turns out my sister IS gay and could have ADHD too? my mom is so consistant, two whole children and they're both Quirky lesbians

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

no i don't have a job or income or mental health i am just a bitch with a plot of land. yeehaw 🚜🍃🌾🌾🌾

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

Bees?

(they are more likely wasps and theyve nestled in my tool shed rip)

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

Nederlandse kantoor/workplace cultuur is "iK wIL nIeT gEhOlpEn woRDeN dOoR EeN HoOfdDoEkjE" maar het is ook "vrouwen moeten een rok aan maar hij mag niet lang zijn maar je moet wel helemaal bedekt zijn zelfs geen sandalen maar wel sexy" maw de Juiste Smaak vrouwenonderdrukking

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

literally the only gay guy couple i know in my whole provincial area and we just finished negotiating the transfer of their gardening plot to me, the nearest dyke in their vicinity. like WTF im gonna actually have my own garden but also what are the odds. gay owned land

[Blaine Simpson @blainelsimpson]

When you speak two languages and start losing vocabulary in both of them = byelingual

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

and yet... even at the very end he KNEW cats aren't generally allowed to pee in the sink & every time we "caught" him in the act he pretended he wasn't about to do just that. cats.... be knowing. gonna miss him he was such a Character

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

we spoiled the cat w/ liver pate and cream & stayed w/ him the whole time & buried him in our backyard im glad we didn't wait bc his level of apathy & inability to function was just inhumane to watch & left no life worth living. rip Jesus sweetest cat on earth

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

and the IRONY of us getting a cat & being unable to shut up abt him for months, all while my sister is away in corona quarantine madness, and then 2 days before she comes home for her BIRTHDAY and gets to meet him he DIES?? fuck the universe for this

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

@_chromatin thank you 💖 im at peace w/ it, we knew he wasn't gonna live long, he's old (14ish) & suffered neglect + injury & we suspected kidney failure from the start. im happy we could give him a comfortable last few months, I wish it couldve been longer but it's no use letting him suffer

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

our cat's health has rapidly deteriorated lately, had 2 vet appointments & blood tested but at this stage of kidney failure, intervention is only gonna drag out a miserable end. he's going Upwards tomorrow :(

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

i think we can stop complaining about the tone of people's honest critique of old timey racists now because, as it turns out, it's WAY more tame and polite compared to... straight up calling someone a dog in the newspaper 100yrs ago. THAT'S cultural heritage for you

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

@McMirrr HUH hoe klein is amsterdam dan dat je haar gewoon bij je HUIS tegenkomt?? ik ben in mn eigen dorp nog niet eens één oudklasgenoot tegengekomen, hoe krijg je het voor elkaar 😂😱 maar gelukkig is het suze maar!! niet tanja haha

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

oh and you think he can't tell the difference between chicken breast and chicken thigh? THINK AGAIN he clearly prefers thigh he's literally the most spoiled cat on earth but he's so fucking skinny i will feed him ANYTHING

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

antics. this is where he sleeps now i fucking guess

[funny jemily tweets @lesbianshakespe]

he's the polar opposite of Knife Cat. also as the world's pickiest eater, he goes absolutely WILD for plain cooked chicken so i guess we FINALLY figured out what he eats