elle🧛

some sort of pathetic diary as a chronic oversharer | in bmi 16s jail ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆˚ ugw: 80lbs ˚｡

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

updated intro!
looking for moots! ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )/

✴︎ ‘03
✴︎ they/she
✴︎ lesbian
✴︎ pro-recovery

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

i like anime, iwtv, mcr, & vampires °❀.ೃ࿔*

dni fatphobes, pro ana, & minors etc

♡/⟳ to be moots! <3

#edtwt

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

which is the ed talking for sure but also my coworker saying i’ve gained weight and fattened up fucked with my head. because i used to be thin by everyone’s eyes and now im not?? yet im still uw like i clearly dont look it so i need to keep going

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

told myself i’d be okay with going back to bmi 15 since i was able to maintain it but im a liar.. i really want to get down to bmi 14 but it lasted a month because my body couldn’t sustain it. in my mind if im not there then im not disordered

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

which is bullshittt obviously i couldn’t work my job at that weight because i was weak as fuck and couldn’t maintain that. so i gained back like that makes sense. but ive been at bmi 16 for months now and the fact that bmi 15 is so close doesnt feel satisfying anymore

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

@ezrajumpscare genuinely convinced people on here are just terrorizing you for fun because you do not look bmi 25 or like you have lipedema?? like whattt. pls ignore it, it’s not worth it

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

purposely slept through breakfast… i hope they didn’t save me some though…

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

@ezrajumpscare you’re so right🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️ it was extra yummy too

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

lowkey shouldn’t eat it cause im still trying to cancel out my cals from yesterday but i can’t wait to eat the cubano my grandpa made tomorrow.. even if it’s a cal bomb.. hopefully i can omad it :3

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

no more than 600 cals a day, living off of one flavorless bowl of oatmeal for 160c with a diet coke with no food noise & went from bmi 21-14 in less than 6 months.. i’m washed now and not disciplined for shit anymore

[poorbabe💭 (-8/26kg) @poorbabe21]

“Mom how good was your first lock in?”

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

stepbrother asked what i ate and realized i didnt yesterday.. and said you gotta stop starving.. whoops… hopefully i can omad the other half of my cubano tomorrow

[lunα 🐰❤︎ @soufflace]

im sick of restricting but im also sick of eating but im also sick of feeling weak but im also sick of feeling fat

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

like i was locked in the first time BECAUSE i had nothing at home. now i have an entire bin of food im hoarding

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

was excited to get away from home but now i’m regretting it… i forgot how weird my dads side of the family is.. my moms weird too but at least i know how to handle her. also i srs need to toss out my binge food when i get home cause i forgot how easy it is to not eat

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

if i can maintain for 2 weeks then go back to losing when i get home that’ll be fine for me. my stomach isn’t nearly as flat as id like but im using it as an indicator since i have no scale :(

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

there’s no scale here but despite the amount of bullshit ate/drank wednesday my stomachs back down… so im really hoping i can get away with omading here without them noticing which i probably can cause they’re weird asf about me maintaining it

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

i know i ate too much yesterday when a spoon full of potato salad and crab salad fills me up.. not that there’s anything to binge in this house but also ate sm binging is also not on my mind.. didn’t know that was possible at my rate. can’t wait to go home and lock in thoo

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

yet no one says anything. they haven’t tried stopping her. they haven’t done anything. they feed her huge amounts and let her binge and binge without a word.

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

one thing i’ve noticed when visiting my other family since my ed is how critical they got over my weight. like im uw and was even more before. but im judged for what i eat, a fat ass if i do, overdoing it. yet my sister who’s on the opposite end with bed reached 300lbs before 13

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

ate something when i shouldn’t have.. tbf it was going to go bad and my grandpa i see like once a year made it so it canceled out

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

for myself and future for the first time is exhausting but i’m so mad because i can’t see myself doing shit because i want to die. i only want to have my ed to worry about. but im going to be 24 and im absolutely fucking useless

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

idek what i’m going to do with my life or how my future is even looking anymore. can’t think of anything but somehow having an ed is always included in the nothing my future is

[elle🧛 @lestatoruu]

like i have an opportunity to work a job for 6 months with my dads family in a different state for what i make now in my home state.. but then what?? college after?? do i just move back? do i stay at home trying to build a career there?? im getting too old and trying to think