Ethan Brenner

I'm really just a big monkey. With very little fur.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

If I'm asking you which of your children you love the most, it's because you have a pinned tweet.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

We get it. You have a small penis.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

Now "they" even tell you how to handle your breathing.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

When you've had enough drinks to start assessing your most novel ideas about bowling.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

My New Year's resolution is to be more forward thinking.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

At what point in life does it become increasingly easy to get away with saying inappropriate things? It's been a downward slope so far.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

I just learned about the word "postjudiced". Seeing how I always know best, it feels like I got my hands on kryptonite.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

I can't seem to get the hang of covering my PIN because I get robbed two bucks every time.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

I'm gonna call you... Ukraine.

[AmberTozer @AmberTozer]

When you're about to tell them that last night was fun but you don't want a relationship right now

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

The world's tallest mermaid.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

Defrost means "to voluntarily wait salivating for longer than necessary" in microwave.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

SPOILER ALERT

The Revenant is pretty much when Leo is incapacitated in Wolf of Wall Street except it's a bear and not quaaludes.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

S IN SCENE: "You're just the silent letter anyway!"
C IN SCENE: "Am not! You're the silent letter, snaky piece of shit!"

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

*panics and sets phone to fight mode*

*737 turns into F16*

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

This responsibility thing is getting out of hand. I'm pretty sure I don't want any of it.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

I suck at flirting. And other eye contact sports such as social interaction.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

BAD COP: And then you pulled the trigger? Brains all over the sidewalk, HUH?! ANSWER GODDAMMIT!
GOOD COP: Uhm... Name the Great Lakes.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

Trying to solve the case of the lost sneeze but clues are few and far between.

[Ethan Brenner @LethalBrenner]

How many followers do you need to call yourself a writer and start lamenting over not getting your job done?