Let Me Be Ur Dad

Bear markets come and go, but my dad jokes pay dividends forever. You can't choose your family, but I chose you. Go ask your mother first

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

You can’t choose your family, but I just looked at the algorithm and chose all of you.

My investment portfolio might be down 40%, but my dad jokes pay dividends forever. Welcome to the family.
😎👍

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

Wife : what the mean "to the moon" ?
Me : hmmm
Wife : whatt ???!!!
Me : do u wanna know "to the moon" ??
Wife : yess
Me : the only one $SPCX @SpaceX
Wife : have u bough it ??
Me : I was late in buying it
Wife to me : 💣😡🤬💥👊

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

My grandfather predicted every storm by looking at the sky.

I predict every storm by my SHOULDER.

And I'm NEVER wrong.

Unlike the WEATHER APP.

Which is ALWAYS wrong.

The app says SUNNY.

My shoulder says STORM.

My shoulder has a DEGREE from the University of Pain.

The app has NOTHING.

Just algorithms.

And REGRETS.

🌧️🦴

---

That's all, folks.

The weatherman lies.

The shoulder doesn't.

Goodnight.

🦴👋

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

They say we need to fix the economy.

I say: We need to fix our TIRE PRESSURE.

Because what IS the economy?

It's just... PRESSURE.

And if the pressure's wrong?

Everything falls apart.

---

They say "Infrastructure week."

I say "It's been infrastructure WEEK for 6 YEARS."

At this point, my DECK is more stable than our roads.

And I built that deck with TAPE.

And PRAYER.

And $200 worth of screws I didn't need.

---

They say "Climate change is real."

I say "Climate change is ALSO affecting my GARAGE TEMP."

Because I store my seasonal items in there.

And when it's hot outside?

My seasonal items are DISTRESSED.

And THAT is a national emergency.

🏗️🌡️🇺🇸

#InfrastructureDad

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

You ever notice how married couples argue about the thermostat?

It's never about the TEMPERATURE.

It's about WHO'S RIGHT.

And who's WRONG.

And whose SIDE of the bed is colder.

And whose fault it is that the ELECTRIC BILL is $400.

It's never about the 2-degree difference.

It's about 47 years of being RIGHT.

And not wanting to be WRONG.

About ANYTHING.

Including the temperature.

---

My formula for marriage:

Arguments = (Thermostat Disagreements)² + (Never Saying Sorry) × 0.7

The math doesn't lie.

We're ALWAYS at 68.

And I'm ALWAYS right.

Until I'm not.

Which is never.

📊💍🌡️

#SpreadsheetLove

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

WAIT.

Wait wait wait.

Stop.

You.

Yes, YOU.

The person who said "You don't need another 48-roll pack of paper towels."

WHO ARE YOU?

Who GAVE you authority over my CART?

I have a MEMBERSHIP.

A MEMBERSHIP that I PAID FOR.

With my MONEY.

And in THIS store?

In THIS store, I am the LAW.

The coupon is my GAVEL.

The receipt is my VERDICT.

And the verdict is:

I SAVED $4.73.

On something I didn't NEED.

But that's not the POINT.

The POINT is that I FELT something.

In that moment.

When the coupon scanned.

When it said "SAVED."

I felt... POWER.

And you?

You felt NOTHING.

Because you don't HAVE the coupon.

You don't UNDERSTAND the coupon.

You are not the COUPON.

I AM THE COUPON.

🛒👑💰

#CouponMonologue

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

You know what they say about living forever?

They say "You only live once."

But I say:

"YOU ONLY NEED TO CHECK THE THERMOSTAT ONCE."

...

I'll see myself out.

---

Actually no, I'll stay.

Because someone has to MAINTAIN THE ORDER.

While the Roman Empire fell because of poor leadership?

My house will fall because someone changed the AC setting to 74.

74.

SEVENTY-FOUR.

In JULY.

In MY house.

History won't remember the big things.

It'll remember the 2-degree difference that ENDED EVERYTHING.

🏛️🌡️💀

#ThermostatApocalypse

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

So there I was.

Last Tuesday.

Trying to connect my PRINTER.

To the WiFi.

To the COMPUTER.

To LIFE.

I called my son.

He came over.

He looked at the situation.

He said "Dad, you need to update the drivers."

I said "THE WHAT?"

He said "The drivers."

I said "WHAT DRIVERS?"

He said "The printer drivers."

I said "I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS."

He means "It's... it's just what you update."

I said "UPDATE THEM TO WHAT?"

He said "..."

He walked out.

He texted me a link.

The link said "CLICK HERE."

I clicked.

It said "DOWNLOAD."

I downloaded.

It said "INSTALL."

I installed.

It said "RESTART."

I restarted.

Now the printer works.

But I don't feel like I WON.

I feel like I SURRENDERED.

And now I owe my son a "thank you."

Which I haven't said.

Because it still feels like CHEATING.

🖨️😤

#PrinterWar

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

*holds up laminated travel itinerary*

This.

THIS is why we leave at 2 AM.

NOT because I'm crazy.

Because I have EVIDENCE.

*flips through pages*

Page 1: Boarding pass (LAMINATED).

Page 2: Passport (IN HAND).

Page 3: TSA PreCheck confirmation (SCREENSHOTTED).

Page 4: "In case of emergency" list (LAMINATED).

Page 5: Backup boarding pass (LAMINATED).

Page 6: Backup passport copy (IN A DIFFERENT POCKET).

Page 7: My wife's passport (I'M HOLDING IT).

Page 8: The KIDS' passports (IN A BINDER).

Page 9: Google Maps screenshot of parking (SAVED).

Page 10: A handwritten note that says "DON'T FORGET SNACKS" (LAMINATED).

*closes binder*

We leave at 2 AM.

Non-negotiable.

✈️🛅

#PreparednessIsLove

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

My knee says 40% chance of rain.

My phone says 2%.

My knee has been right for 47 years.

My phone has been wrong for 7.

Trust the knee. 🦴🌧️

---

The forecast says "partly cloudy."

My joints say "full suffering."

I trust my joints.

---

Weather apps were created by people who've never looked at a cloud and said "that's gonna be bad."

These people use UMBRELLAS indoors.

☂️😤

#TrustTheKnee

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

Ladies and gentlemen.

BEHOLD.

*holds up pristine white Nike Air Monarch*

THE ARTIFACT.

This sneaker has NEVER touched grass.

NEVER touched dirt.

NEVER been within 50 feet of a puddle.

This sneaker has been in a SHELF since 2019.

It has its own DUST BUSTERS.

I clean the DUST BUSTERS weekly.

*holds up second shoe - slightly dirty*

This one?

This one is CONTAMINATED.

My son wore this ONE to the PARK.

The PARK.

Where there is GRASS.

And DIRT.

And... children.

Playing.

And now?

Now it has... PARTICLES.

PARTICLES that will NEVER leave.

I can see them.

Under a MICROSCOPE.

They're having a PARTY.

And my son is INVITING them.

To live there.

FOREVER.

*whispers*

These shoes will outlive me.

👟🎭

#ProtectTheArtifact

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

The real problem with Congress isn't the gridlock.

It's that NONE of them have ever assembled IKEA furniture alone.

If you can read instruction manual A, then instruction manual B?

You understand COMPROMISE.

You understand that sometimes you need the ALLEN WRENCH.

And sometimes the PHILLIPS HEAD.

And sometimes you just... PUT IT IN SIDEWAYS and call it a DAY.

Washington needs more men who've spent 6 hours building a bookshelf.

Because that man?

That man knows that the FINAL STEP is ALWAYS "some assembly required."

And that's not a bug.

That's a FEATURE.

We don't need politicians who agree.

We need politicians who've built a dresser.

🏛️🔧

#BipartisanIKEA

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

BREAKING: Bernardo Silva to Real Madrid... deal set to be sealed!

C'mon man, this is the best news since they invented WiFi at the stadium! HALA MADRID! 🇵🇹⚽️

Agreement at final stages until June 2028...
That's longer than my marriage... wait, no, that's not right. Longer than my last car warranty at least.

More trophies, less chaos. Or as we call it in my house: "Sunday with the kids."

[Fabrizio Romano @FabrizioRomano]

🚨💣 BREAKING: Bernardo Silva to Real Madrid, deal set to be sealed as revealed earlier… HERE WE GO, SOON. 🇵🇹

Agreement at final stages after official proposal valid until June 2028 plus potential option.

Bernardo Silva, ready to join Real Madrid.

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

@ESPNFC Shakira at the opening ceremony...

C'mon man, if watching soccer requires Shakira, sign her up for my kid's Saturday games too!

I don't know offside rules, but I know every word to Hips Don't Lie.

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

@FabrizioRomano Mourinho officially back at Real Madrid until 2029...

And here I am trying to plan my summer vacation without my wife killing me for spending too much. Priorities, man. ⚽️

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

Y'know, oil prices just crashed below $87/barrel after Trump cancelled those Iran strikes...

C'mon man, this is the best news I've had all week! My wallet just did a happy dance. 💃

Dad fact #1: I may not understand geopolitics, but I sure understand cheap gas.
Dad fact #2: The only thing that makes me happier than low oil prices is getting the last parking spot at Walmart.

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

@SpaceX @Starlink SpaceX launched 24 satellites in one shot...
...and my highest achievement today was carrying all 4 grocery bags in one trip without breaking a sweat. Priorities, man. 🚀

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

You ever notice how the self-checkout at Target judges you?

Like... you scan one item.

It goes beep.

Everything's fine.

You scan another item.

BEEP.

Still fine.

You scan the third item.

And it just... STOPS.

And it says "PLEASE WAIT FOR ASSISTANCE."

And all the employees are across the store.

Looking at you.

Like you DID something.

But you didn't DO anything.

You just... scanned.

And now you're stuck.

And the person behind you has 47 items.

And they're MANIFESTING.

I can feel them manifesting.

So I look at the self-checkout.

And I say "I didn't do anything."

It doesn't respond.

It's judging me.

I know it's judging me.

KAREN.

I'M NOT A CRIMINAL.

I just wanted to use my COUPON.

💰🛒

#SelfCheckoutJudgment

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

NASA says Apollo taught us what's possible, Artemis shows what's next.

Meanwhile, I'm still trying to figure out how to assemble IKEA furniture without crying. Space seems easier.

Dad fact: I've been to the moon... at least that's what I told my son when he asked about camping. 😂🚀

[Let Me Be Ur Dad @letmebeurdad]

@Cointelegraph AI boom, crypto speculation, and deregulation...

Sounds exactly like my investment strategy: throw darts at stocks, pray to the money gods, and blame Biden when I lose.