discount matt damon 🤠

unfortunately i've never bought a zoo

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

I want my funeral to be an open-mic roast

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

every generation has their vaguely sacrilegious love song. boomers have Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” millennials have Hozier’s “Take Me To Church,” and gen Z has “Ordinary” by some TikTok guy

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

the Billie Eilish Boomerang moon journey

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

why would i ever “reply with a reel”

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

we come to this place [my couch] for magic [People We Meet on Vacation]

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

can’t wait to watch Curb Your Enthusiasm star Colby Donaldson on #Survivor50 !!!

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

i could never watch love island — not because i think i’m better than that, but because watching people kiss disturbs me on a level so deep that it legitimately makes me never want to kiss again

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

i was recently appointed poet l'oreal! here’s my first poem:

and looking back
i couldn't help but think
you were just like that
sole bottle
in your shower — claiming
to do three-in-one
but doing
none
to the fullest

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

if I send this to you it means I’m nearing unprecedented, inadvisable levels of “committed to the bit” #therehearsal

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

i remember watching this with my mom and privately crying in my room after because i thought she was going to leave my dad for john rzeznik

[2000s @PopCulture2000s]

Goo Goo Dolls performing ‘iris’ in the pouring rain, 2004

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

my sister: “we saw simple plan last night”
my other sister: “oh is that the Blake lively movie”

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

feels like we’re really not leveraging the bank’s “send objects through air-powered tubes” technology to its fullest potential. it’s 2025. AI can win Oscars. why are we not sending more objects via air-powered tubes???

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

becoming increasingly difficult to reconcile the fact that we live in a universe in which something as deeply romantic as quantum entanglement exists with the fact that soon we’re all going to be interacting with each other exclusively via our respective AI agents

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

@guiltyaschangd this tweet should have 7 million likes

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

Why yes, I do the same cringey things as you. But what you fail to understand is that I do them with the faintest hint of irony, a hint so subtle it is almost imperceptible to the untrained eye. A hint so subtle it may not even exist, but definitely does.

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

I hate Halloween because what do you MEAN you’re Nicole Kidman moments after her divorce from Tom Cruise was finalized

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

is there an AA for when you’re addicted to fighting with B2B SaaS AI-hypeboys on LinkedIn

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

it is physically impossible to be in a relationship with someone from another country and NOT document every hilariously zany moment of intercultural hijinks on your joint TikTok account. they say stuff different! it’s hilarious! LOL

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

@kbowmanwriter Would loveeeeee to chat! I’m querying a contemporary romance about a journalist covering a marine archaeologist in the Bermuda Triangle.

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

@katie_mf I woke up early all throughout high school just saw I could see my favorite hot Local 6 anchor every day before school 😓

[discount matt damon 🤠 @lexcwins]

@en_cohen wait but reveal the books, i may want to read that second one LOL