Something of the Day

Something of the Day. Delivered daily.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

Before you judge somebody who doesn’t use the metric system, you should walk 1.609344 km in their shoes.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

This is an outrage!

[Michael Ryan @michaelryan1011]

@IrishCycle @GardaTraffic @FreeNow_IE Close shave with a Taxi earlier in Booterstown... So much for 1.5 Meters 🫤

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

Interviewer: how do you explain this 4 year gap on your CV?

Interviewee: that's when I went to yale.

Interviewer: Yale? Wow, impressive. You're hired!

Interviewee: thanks, I really needed this yob.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

My grandad tried to warn people the Titanic would sink.

No one listened.

He kept trying to warn them until eventually they kicked him out of the cinema.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

In accordance with her wishes, police are treating Angela Lansbury's death as suspicious.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

Hey Avril Lavigne, you could have you called it "Skater Boy" instead of "Sk8er Boi".

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

What do you call a gay person on fire?

LGBBQ.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

Did you know if you get pregnant in the Amazon it's next day delivery?

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

I've been clean for 47 days now.

Feels weird showering every day but at least I have heroin to get me through it.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

What's the difference between Disney+ and PornHub?

Disney+ wants you to hate your stepmother.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

Apparently I snore so loudly it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

My new girlfriend is great. She loves a shag, has great tits and even swallows. But this bird collecting has gone a bit too far.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

Yo momma so fat if she got COVID-19 everyone in the world would be a close contact.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

My ex is so dramatic. She broke up with me because I wouldn't open the car door for her, I just swam to the surface.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

My wife keeps telling me I'm the cheapest person she's ever met but I'm just not buying it.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

I had a peekaboo accident the other day.

They sent me to ICU.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

I accidentally walked in on my flatmate and his girlfriend having sex.

Thankfully they didn't see me for half an hour.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

After my accident I woke up to a sexy nurse standing over me who said "you may not feel anything from the waist down".

"Fair enough", I said, then squeezed her breasts.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

What would 2 termites order at a restaurant?

Table for 2.

[Something of the Day @lgst_something]

What's Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her, pound her.