Life with Mildred

All the romantic things my girlfriend says to me.

[Killa Xbt @kilaxxbtt]

“Me and my frypan, it’s like a person with their penis.” @maevemarsden got a new frypan and is by all accounts pleased.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“We would spend so much less time together if we were one of those couples who couldn’t fart in front of each other.”

Mildred, in bed this morning.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“I can’t decide if I want to have sex with you or remind you to go make me coffee.”
“You’re looking quite sexual.”
“Yeah, but I often feel that way about coffee.”

Mildred, making decisions

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“Why do you have to touch me in such horrible ways?”

Mildred, being cuddled on the couch.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“You can pat it, but don’t tickle it”
Mildred, wanting her vagina touched in a particular way whilst she plays CandyCrush and hums the Phantom of the Opera Theme song.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“I can’t stand anyone. Should we move to the country, become recluses & live off the land?”
“I’d be open to that”
“My extroversion needs people though, we’d need to start a cult or a commune”
“You’d have a lot of affairs”
“I’d be open to that”

Mildred, pondering life choices

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“I would like an orgasm, I just don’t want your face to be near my face.”

Mildred, comforting me when I have the flu.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“I love EVERY bit of you. Except the annoying bits”

Mildred is in a generous mood.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“I’m cuddling you and touching you a lot and laughing so people don’t look at us and think we’re a couple who’ve fallen out of love and have come here to try and save their marriage.”

Mildred, on an IKEA trip

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“It doesn’t even feel nice, it feels like your weird stupid mouth is doing things to me.”

Mildred, apropos of being kissed.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“If we broke up I’d want to have sex with you ten times as much as I want to now.”

Mildred, discussing our relationship future

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“Put your face in my vagina, so I don’t have to look at”

Mildred, upon taking a dislike to my smile.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“It feels like you’re kneading dough, and I am worried you’re thinking about your sourdough starter, and not me.”

Mildred, upon having her butt touched.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“Oh no. You are misreading the mood. I am watching Survivor. Maybe when I’m done you can touch it. “

Upon watching her favourite show but also being on a romantic holiday.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“I like to face down during sex, so I can have a little nap during it..”

Mildred, contemplating sex.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“It seems I love you most when we’ve either just had sex or just spent an evening in separate rooms of the house.”

Mildred, being romantic

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“Ssshhhh. Just shush and let me love you.”

Mildred, while launching her body onto mine for a rather painful morning hug.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“If I ripped your nipple off would you still love me?”

Mildred, while holding my nipple

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“Why are you such a disappointment?”

Mildred on returning from a lengthy trip away and having to share the bed.

[Life with Mildred @lifewithmildred]

“If the plane crashes, don’t be a hero, save yourself. Don’t give up all such-is-life, claw out of that wreckage. Even if both your legs are blown off, I’ll look after you... Though if your tits are damaged, just close your eyes & give up.”

Mildred, farewelling me at the airport