light fires at night bot

quotes from “light fires at night (to push back the void)” by inthesea, ran by @dreamdamnation, fic linked in pinned thread

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TW for the quotes
mentions of (past) self harm, implied (past) sexual assault and csa, violence, mental health

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He picks up another dog, a fluffy Pomeranian named Jedi, and shoves it in Andrew’s face.
“Are you always so exhausting?” Andrew asks, stepping back and ignoring the betrayal in Jedi’s eyes. He decides to bring her an extra snack next time he visits.

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“Hey,” Neil murmurs, pulling back just to brush his lips against Andrew’s forehead, and Andrew never cared much for the gesture until Neil, but now it causes all tension to bleed out of his body and he sways slightly until he can rest his forehead against Neil’s shoulder.

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Neil’s lips brush against his when he says, “This isn’t an answer, either.”
Andrew swallows, certain that Neil can hear it in the silence, and gives the only answer he can give.
“We aren’t over.”

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He looks Neil in the eye and says, “A kiss. Yes or no?”

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It’s infuriating how impossible to resist he is; his eyes bright and his skin flushed slightly, lips parted on an exhale.

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He understands Neil well enough now to recognize that there is darkness inside him too, just like there is darkness in Andrew, but Neil has never tipped over the edge that Andrew fell over years — if not decades — ago.

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“You help,” he repeats. The words feel heavy on his tongue, like they might drop back into his throat any second now, but he pushes them out. “This,” he says, gesturing between them, “is everything.”

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“I’m still not your answer,” Andrew tells him, and tries not to think of it as cruelty. It’s a truth, nothing else. Andrew won’t be Neil’s cornerstone. Unlike Neil, he consists only of negative space.
Neil expression is clear. “That’s okay,” he says calmly.

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He is dressed in his workout clothes and his hair is slightly wet from the drizzle. He must have jogged all the way here, impossible as it sounds.

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“You haven’t —,” he says, and he sounds hoarse, so he starts over, the ring warming in his hand, “You haven’t actually asked me anything, Neil.”

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It’s two steps forward and one step back, and then one step forward and two steps back, but it’s not a stalemate.

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“You’re such a child,” Andrew says. “I told you many times not to make this into something it’s not. Do you need me to spell it out for you again? I don’t need you.”

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Neil smiles against his lips, a smirk Andrew instantly recognizes.
“That’s the name of the drink,” Neil says, still smirking when Andrew sits back on his heels to look at him. “Kiss on the lips. I looked it up.

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“We just saw each other,” he says, feigning indifference.
“Killjoy,” Neil says, but his smile doesn’t fade, and Andrew steps closer to him than he really should, considering that they’re in a public parking lot. Neil doesn’t seem to mind, though.

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Pride and happiness is a deadly combination on someone as stupidly gorgeous as Neil.

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Andrew should walk away from this while he still knows how — but perhaps he already doesn’t know how.

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Neil doesn’t say the words. Instead, he nudges his nose against Andrew’s, playful and affectionate, and Andrew has to pull back and look away, because it’s too much. Neil is too much.

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Neil notices, of course, because it’s impossible to hide anything from Neil. He notices that the nightmares are back. He notices Andrew’s exhaustion, heavier now than it has ever been. He notices the silence and the stillness and the apathy.

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He holds his breath as Neil untucks the corners of the package and opens it with more care than he afforded any of his other gifts, and his heart nearly skips a beat at the familiar sight of metal.

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He tears his mouth away from Neil’s and kisses his neck, dragging his teeth over the soft, warm skin just above Neil’s hoodie and effectively hiding his face from Neil as he murmurs, “Touch me.”