Lilah

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

It’s laughable how they’d say that they can’t take a day off when they are sick. Yes, you can. You’re retired. You choose to participate in your activities. But sure, think yourself a hero bc you went and did your shit anyways knowing that you had COVID.

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

Let’s face it, I only have a “relationship” with my parents because they have abused me financially and keep me dependent on them. Of course I can never say this because they would withhold their support the second I call them out on their bullshit

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

They were talking like I wasn’t taking any meds to help my symptoms, which just wasn’t true at all. I think it is easier for them to see me as lazy because I am fat. I hate them so much

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

I love it when the first thing I hear is my parents talking shit about me. They are so spectacularly presumptive and obviously think the worst of me

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

…if I got sick and stopped “taking care of [my] responsibilities.” FFS you assholes. My school makes you submit symptoms before they even turn on your fucking ID cards. Duke is way more COVID conscious than any part of Florida. I cannot step foot on campus without being tested!

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

Familial support doesn’t feel like support when it is conditional

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

I think my parents are ashamed of what I look like. They never post the pictures we take together. It’s kind of hurtful.

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

This same person just made a celebratory post on FB about a friend of theirs and specifically mentions “pulling each other out of depressive episodes.” So I guess I just wasn’t important enough for her to have extended the same courtesy 😢

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

Let me tell you, it is hard to trust that I am a part of the family when they do such an incredible job at making me believe that I am as worthless and dysfunctional as they make me feel

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

With my parents, it really is a one step forward, three leaps backwards type of dance. They have zero awareness as to how abusively manipulative they are towards me and there is absolutely nothing I can do to make them recognize and understand that.

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

All I can do is just pretend that it doesn’t hurt me deeply, roll over, and try my best to live up to their demands.

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

Desperately trying to improve my mood before I go into work

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

Silent treatment is abusive, manipulative, and controlling.

Why did it take me this long to connect the dots on that?

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

I don’t make enough money to cover all of my core monthly expenses, totaling to $777

$200 to UPMC
$489 to Sallie Mae
$88 to Public Storage

Thank God I don’t have to pay for car insurance or my phone bill. I am grateful for that. But damn, I can’t catch a fucking BREAK

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

I am so weepy today. I long for the body I had just three years ago. I hate having to scan clothes that would only fit me well until I’m 100 pounds lighter. I hate feeling undervalued in every aspect of my life. I hate that I can’t afford to treat my mental health.

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

On second thought, I don’t think I’ll see her in my Dad’s show this weekend. I saw it the first time & while it was cute, it’s not like I want to see it again.

Besides, I can’t afford to drop $27 on a ticket. Not when I have to save for grad school, right Mom?

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

My Mom is a bitch. On Saturday, I let my manager for Job 2 know my availability this week. After 10 straight days of working, I enjoyed Sunday off. I didn’t hear back on Monday. I tried to reach him Tuesday and left a message. I didn’t try today bc he is off Wednesdays…

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

but SOMEHOW I didn’t “check in enough” according to my Mom’s standards. She is the best at making you feel like shit. I cannot wait until that bitch is no longer in my life.

[Lilah @lilahjoyce]

It’d be beneficial to me if I stop thinking of my Mom as my Mom.

That woman isn’t anything to me.