Justin Phillips

Yo

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

New single “She’s Got a Barstool” available everywhere June 2nd!! https://t.co/dlIXoBJScX

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except one.....he's never gonna give you "Up".

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Imagine asking a blind girl out in braille and she leaves you on felt

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

The people who say “you don’t need that much ammo” are the people buying 500 rolls of toilet paper.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Some people are not shaking hands because of the coronavirus. I’m not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

You know you’re old when you start forgetting you have gift cards in your wallet.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Coke from a freestyle machine be tastin’ like chalk.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Breaking news: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with coronavirus. It has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Initial testing has revealed it was mom’s spaghetti.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

"The jerk store called, they're running out of you." - George Costanza

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

When my dog sniffs another dog's poop I can only assume that it's their equivalent to checking a friend's facebook page.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

There are kids being born who’s parents weren’t even alive when Shrek came out..😳

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Harry Potter is just Star Wars with sucky lightsabers.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

McDonald’s Sprite is so crispy it can cure the coronavirus

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Owls are just cats with a pilot license

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target, long story short, I think I'm promoted to assistant manager.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

I tried using “beefstew” as a password but it said it wasn’t stroganoff.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Reading minds would be the worst superpower. If you think people say stupid shit now, imagine what they actually hold back.

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

Kinda surprised no one else agreed 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

You know what goes good with the coronavirus? Lyme disease

[Justin Phillips @liljphilly]

I met a woman outside the store crying because she lost $200 so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you, you must bless others!