lisaburton

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

When I die, I want my measurements posted the way they do for babies.

"Well, folks, she's gone.
Lisa Burton, 5'4" 190lbs."

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

@tlrsmpls slowly the game allows you to realize you are the killer.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

@lisekatevans thanks Kat! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

[Patton Oswalt @pattonoswalt]

77 seconds of truth that I hope you take the time to WATCH AND RETWEET.

[Sara K. Runnels @omgskr]

My ideal summer body is one that I have complete control over

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

You ever felt like a bigshot so for a $25 upcharge you get the Flouride treatment?

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

Just imagine being a salmon doing your thing and the next instant you have a sharp pain in your back and sides, you can't breathe, and you're 10 feet above where you were just a second ago. #pandemiclife

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

Watching videos like this makes me feel like a real life wall-e
https://t.co/XgL8gmaisE

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

I wanna be "the ring guy" on the @BachelorABC or @BacheloretteABC because it's v chill and you still get to travel to all the places. LMK if you need a resume, I can carry a briefcase super good.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

Middleaged midwestern women are so repressed and pitted against one another that Rick Steves is more relatable than a female host would be to them.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

Make the day as boring as you want and don't look back because there's always tomorrow too. And the next day. #YOL

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

I've really been reinventing myself as someone who cries a lot.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

@worldbshiny #unteachable

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

If we are going to be wearing masks forever, how long before movies/tv reflect our new reality? Like, we better start taking eye acting classes.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

Summary of my feelings about this week.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

Is "fresh" a descriptor for candy?

Like, do you ever say, "Gotta get me some fresh candy!"?

[Harrison Lott @harrisonlott]

is joe swearing on his book of spells

[Greta Thunberg @GretaThunberg]

He seems like a very happy old man looking forward to a bright and wonderful future. So nice to see!

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

@TimothyRDunn What he's doing now is not working. Please.

[lisaburton @lisaburton]

I don't know who needs to hear this, but you can't win comedy