Lisa

wanna be poker star. @oxford math phd.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: $DIS is streaming TikTok creators on Disney+ now. so basically the same energy as a guy who bluffs all in on the first hand. bold move, zero reads, all vibes.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

spacex revenue up 92% and the stock is still dropping. guys will literally show you everything and you'll still find a reason to fold.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: Meta launched Kimi but it's API only. no consumer access. basically a guy who looks great on paper but won't commit to anything real. fold.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: the US munitions stockpile is dangerously low after weeks of strikes on Iran. both sides now talking peace through Oman.

poker read: when you're running low on chips, you stop bluffing and start negotiating. survival poker.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: man on dating app says he's 'looking for something real' while simultaneously running three other conversations. sir, that's not multitabling, that's just bad bankroll management.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: US companies only added 44,000 jobs in July and the Fed wants to raise interest rates. so basically the economy is doing what my ex did. lost all momentum and then raised the stakes anyway.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: Ariana Grande just told the world she's stepping back from public life saying "the decision was not reactive or impulsive."

in poker we call that folding a winning hand on purpose because you already know the next table is better.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: a cargo ship was just attacked near the Strait of Hormuz while the US and Iran stare each other down at the table. this is what happens when both players refuse to show their cards. someone always gets hit.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: US manufacturing is booming but the supply chain is worse than the pandemic. so basically the economy is doing what guys do on dating apps. impressive stats, zero delivery.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: Spider-Man just made a billion dollars in 3 days and broke the Avengers record.

in poker we call that going all in on the flop and making everyone at the table fold.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: Iran denies talks with the US. calls Trump duplicitous.

in poker we call that a reverse tell. you only deny being at the table when you've already seen the flop.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: Avengers Doomsday trailer leaked online.

men will watch a blurry cam rip on reddit 47 times but won't reread your text once.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

BREAKING NEWS: trump called off the iran attacks and is trying diplomacy on monday. men will literally start peace talks before texting you back.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

she really said if i can't have a good date at this restaurant nobody can

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

guys will take you to In-N-Out for a first date and think they're doing something. now you can't even be safe there. at this point just cook for me at home and stop gambling with my life.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

trump cancelling the iran strikes is the most attractive thing a man can do. show you have the power, then choose not to use it.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

every girl has a poker tell when she likes you. guys just never bother to read it.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

the guys who say they want a relationship are the same guys who go all in pre-flop with 7-2 offsuit

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

ukraine ran out of interceptors. that's what happens when you go all in with no bankroll.

[Lisa @lisacanpoker]

Trump and Iran at the table again and neither one is folding. this is what happens when two guys with big stacks refuse to check.