Lauren Keil

[Lauren Keil @ljkeil2]

My son is recently obsessed with this absurd book and I allow it solely because it’s the first time I’ve seen the name Gareth in the wild. And it seems like the perfect situation for @reynoldsgareth as a character?

[Sophie Vershbow @svershbow]

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

[Glenn @Shenaniglenns]

how am i supposed to believe humans are the dominant species when a spider is over here building a house with their butthole

[zoë rose bryant @zoerosebryant]

They’re gonna teach America Ferrera’s #Barbie monologue in schools like that was for the history books

[Lauren Keil @ljkeil2]

I will forever be obsessed with introducing him as “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York star”

[DiscussingFilm @DiscussingFilm]

‘Home Alone 2: Lost in New York’ star Donald Trump has been indicted on criminal charges.

[Melanie Lynskey @melanielynskey]

They are both so effortlessly genuinely hilarious I’m constantly in awe

[ADHD Jesse @adhdjesse]

Strengths: works well under pressure

Weaknesses: doesn’t work otherwise

[matt bernstein @mattxiv]

she started crying at the idea of gay people getting married but we are the snowflakes

[samantha @milkygoddess]

this cannot be the same brain that earned a bachelor’s degree

[… @lurkmenistan69]

all i want for christmas is just for my stomach to not feel weird for a single fucking moment of my life

[Ursula Perano Helsel @UrsulaPerano]

the three branches of government are martin short, steve martin and selena gomez

[pat regan @poregan]

Remember when McDonald’s started selling salads in slurpee cups and said “this is called a McSalad Shaker” and we were like “…ok” and they were like “what else what else what else”

[Lauren Keil @ljkeil2]

Mike: What’s wrong?
Me: I started my period and I’m in hell.
Mike: I thought you started your period a few days ago.
Me: No that wasn’t the full deal.
Mike: So it was less of a period and more like a comma.
Me: ………
Mike: Ok I’ll go now.

[Kristen Mulrooney @missmulrooney]

I’d say the best part of being married to me is that when we’re watching TV I will always pause the show to tell you that the actress was actually pregnant when they filmed that scene, that’s why her shirt is so billowy

[Mrs C-S @NikkiCuSmith]

3yo had a tantrum today. I got on her level, let her have her big emotions, talked her through it and and had a cuddle. If you’d like my new parenting book “How I succeeded once, felt smug and then got confused when the same thing didn’t work twice” it’s out Monday

[soul nate @MNateShyamalan]

i realize this is a hot take but naming a baby after yourself is one of the most insane things you can do and i’m tired of pretending it’s not

[🦇⚰️𝕰𝖘𝖙𝖗𝖊𝖑𝖑𝖆⚰️🦇 @calicoestrella]

THERAPY ISNT ENOUGH I NEED TO PUNCH A FOUNDING FATHER

[Kevin The Dad @kevinthedad]

The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day