ham ☯

her mind’s always dirty & her soul’s never free

[☆Mazio | @Maziodyne_]

The mirror of a mf who still aint ship your hoodie

[FIORE @drakebonergif]

doing a money spread in only quarters and nickels that i’ve confused for quarters

[pink berry @thedarkprowler]

Hey did somebody leave their gallon jug of sweet baby rays in the bathroom

[Anubis @eduantao]

quando você enjoa do celular mas não tem nada pra vc fazer além de mecher no celular

[weenie hut jr’s @suction4IDs]

🤔

[•ultra glitch• @highsieze6]

sorry i didnt hear you i was thinking of something weird

[Kensetsu @Kensetsu6]

I heard a gun shot. I texted my neighbor.

[henri @alexaligarluz]

meu tatuador não postou a minha tatuagem, mas postou uma que fez depois dela

[Jada Who @jada_what]

when I say I love physical touch this is what I mean!!! not the freak shit y’all are on!!!!

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[solavita @crushedb0n3s]

what i expect to happen after 1 day of locking in

[regular sadmeister @gardeinqueen]

having a period is so crazy because sometimes something like this comes out of u and u just kinda shrug your shoulders and keep going about your day

[kk 🦋 @kkrespawned]

I can confidently say that if the man who raped me ran for office I would feel compelled to say something in a way I do not while he’s middle management at Merrill Lynch

[horse dentist @equine__dentist]

on some shit you couldn’t even begin to fathom

[keaton @keatonkeaton999]

washing my dirty hands using the condensation on my soft drink before i eat my wendy’s burger

[. @ifuliedownhere]

how my relationship with books and series has been lately

[uncle ric @ihatethiskid]

Classic…

[Sarah Axelrath MD @DrSarahAxelrath]

Pros and cons of neighborhood fireworks:

Cons:
-Upsets every dog in a 10 block radius
-Keeps neighbors awake
-Frightens people with PTSD, anxiety
-Risk of fires
-Risk of injuries (you and others)
-Risk of property damage (yours and others)
-Worsens air quality

[Rata 🌇 @RANK10YGO]

if a website asks me for a verification code and i check my email and it's not in there within 0.1 picosecond of the request i roar and swing my arms madly and start hurting those close to me