lordcarrett

I write and tell jokes.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Jada and Will Smith have an open marriage.

Which makes slapping a comedian over a joke & screaming: “Keep my wife’s name out of your mouth!” even more insane.

Chris Rock coulda/shoulda have said: “I can have have your wife’s TIT in my mouth, but not her NAME?”

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

I’m watching THE MUSIC MAN for the first time. (I’ve been busy)

Shirley Jones has some nerve to be shushing people talking in the library, when she was TAP DANCING in it yesterday!

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Thanks to COVID-19, when you blow your nose in public—people look at you like you’ve been bitten by a zombie.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

If you’re in NYC, see a puddle and think; “That might be piss...” It’s piss.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Dogs bark while inhaling air, NOT while exhaling—that's why they look at us quizzically when we bark at them.

Dog: "You're doing it wrong!"

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Welcome To Hell!

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

From Lexus’ Owner’s Manual.

Section 1: When driving over 100mph, adjust the tire pressure...

Section 2: When meeting your new cell mate...

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Maybe Nipsey Hussle was shot by Nipsey Russell’s offspring—angered over his bastardization of their father’s good name?

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

“We’re through being cool... and we’re burning daylight!”

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Kevin Spacey! Who saw that coming?
U think u know somebody (who pretends to be somebody else 4 a living) & learn u don't know them at all!

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Roy Clark died. Thank God & Greyhound he's gone.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

The walk of shame; a girl leaving a guy's dorm in evening wear, in the AM is topped on the day after Halloween by the zombie on a 7AM train.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

@pattonoswalt
Great news, Buddy! A wonderful ending for the next edition of Michelle's book!

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

If Paula Patton married Patton Oswalt, she'd be Paula Patton-Oswalt.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

I had a traditional Friday The 13th. A maniac in a hockey mask killed my entire family.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

"Seriously. There's nothing to worry about."

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Poker Playing Dogs Take A Break.

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

If this dog could say Rick's catchphrase, he would!

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

Well done!

[lordcarrett @lordcarrett]

I just heard Canadian comedy legend Mike MacDonald has passed away. He was an original, and I learned a lot working with him. R.I.P. Mike.